Your gone now so I have to stay quite.
You use to inspire hate and now you inspire sorrow.
You were toxic and now people have forgotten.
But I can't forget.
You were abusive to your family and a hateful person. I was lucky enough that I didn't live with you so I wouldn't have to suffer from your constant abuse.
But all it took was one conversation to make me fear you like never before.
You are older and part of my family yet one day when you were drunk you asked to talk to me.
They were throwing a party and I was upstairs. I was in my cousins room with him watching something.
I remember you coming into the room and standing by the door. I remember you talking and asking questions to us but I don't recall your words. All I remember is your stare.
I was wearing shorts and usually I don't but your stare made me uncomfortable. I don't recall how but you asked if we could talk.
So I went and stood near the stairs because even though we didn't ever talk I was afraid you would do something. I wanted to be near the stairs just in case I needed to scream.
So we stood next to the stairs.
You were drunk, really drunk. You were saying incoherent things. But then you said that supposedly my father had told you you could have sex with my mother.
And excuse my language but to understand the gut wrenching feeling I felt at that moment I can't fluff my words.
So you say this while looking into my eyes. I remember I had my arms crossed clenching my fist.
Then it got worse and as you kept rambling on you said that because my dad offered up my mom for sex if I would take her place. At this point I was shaking inside and ready to yell for help. But on the outside I stood tall.
Then you had the audacity to ask if that was okay. Like you didn't see anything wrong with that!
Inside I was so scared. I thought I had feared you before but this was a new level of fear. But I some how I stood strong and said NO.
NO that is not OKAY.
And then I somehow got you to leave as I turned around and went back to my cousins room.
I locked the door and pretended like I didn't want to cry and I wasn't shaking.
My older cousins were out at a party.
So I texted one of them and told them something along along the lines of what had just happened.
She excused his behavior saying he was just drunk. And then said that next time I'll just go with them so I won't have to be home.
Then that was it.
I stayed in that locked room and he never came back.
My never told anyone else and my cousin never asked.
I made sure I was never around him after that which wasn't hard to do as I was away at college for the most part.
After a while I sorta... forgot.
I went to counseling for countless other things but not once did I remember that incident.
One time I told my best friend but I never though anything else about it. It was in the past. Nothing serious happened.
Then He killed himself.
And everyone says you don't talk bad about the dead.
Everyone is sad that he is gone.
But I rejoiced because I now knew he wouldn't kill anyone.
I rejoiced because I knew my cousins wouldn't have to live under constant abuse.
I rejoiced because I hate you.
But now my cousins talk about there dad in a good lighting and I just want to yell what he did and how he made me feel.
I just want to tell them that this man you talk about is the man that said those words.
The man that made me terrified in my own skin.
I had forgotten about it until recently when I was reading something that sound so familiar to me. It made me remember that although I wasn't sexually assaulted you assaulted me with your words.
I wish that while I was in school I would have sought counseling. That I would have talked with it with someone and had a deep conversation that this happened to me.
I was with my cousin today and she was talking about her mom (my aunt) and how she's neglecting her youngest child. And she said that her mother drove her father to kill himself.
I just wanted to yell and say good. He's a terrible man.
I want to tell her what he said to me.
But because he is now dead you can't disrespect there graves.
So I hold it inside and let my family live there life unaware.
