Today's the big day, at least it's one of our big moments together. It will either break us or make us.
You always fear that you will be the one causing issues in our relationship but all I've ever know growing up is how I am always the problem.
I hope for a bright future with us together
But these are my fears.
I give myself to you fully and I fear u will reject it.
I won't be enough
You will learn to spite me because I am not the person you thought I was
I have this issue with taking the blame for anything said and done, I feel like it's always my fault.
Right now I'm feeling like a burden, because am I worth it? Do you think I'm worth it? Will you regret this?
I know your answers will be yes I'm worth it. But why is it that I don't feel like I am.
Time and time again has proven me that I'm not.
I've be lost every one, my father, my mother, countless of friendships, every single person I come I to contact with I am never enough for them.
I'm hurt from all the loss.
I've always treasured every single person in my life. I hold them onto this pedestal and all I want it for them to look at me and chose me to be theirs.
I always think I've found that person who will care for me as much as I care for them but I'm always wrong.
Life has taught me I have no one but myself.
And then you come along and u are everything I want.
It's no wonder I feel scared ever time u have a negative emotion regarding me. Because I fear that it will be the "it" moment u realize I'm not worth anything.
—-
3 weeks and I got hurt over something you said. It cut me like knives through my heart and I wasn't sure why. As I tried to hold back tears I was speaking to myself trying to find the perfect words on why it hurt so much. And once I started to tell u, once I started to speak those broken words... I paused for to long and u left me alone.
You got angry and had to cold down so you went to the room and I felt like my soul cracked even more. I just wanted to tell you how it hurt me, to explain. I wanted you to hear me and understand and explain that the way I was feeling wasn't true and to tell me what u actually meant with those words. And as I saw you laying In bed I cried. I wanted to wail to the world and curl up in a ball and cry my heart out.
I wanted you to hug me like the day I cried over losing my best friend. I knew you left to the room because you needed to cool down or else you'd say something cruel. But all I felt was lonely.
You left me in my thought. And my thought took me to a dark place. For 2 hours I was crying and the crying would bring the pain and I wanted to stop so bad. When I felt the pain of pressing my skin against a sharp corner I pressed into harder. I wanted to stop crying. The temptation was there but instead I blasted my music until my ears hurt so that I could stop hearing my thought.
I am broken and not because of your words.
I am just broken.
I gave you that space you wanted and I wasn't strong enough to go to you. I had barely stops crying And then u finally returned.
And we talked and you said even worse words to me. And my heart bleed.
The only reason I even held it together was the fact that I felt so drained from crying so long.
Why is it that when ever we argue or fight you bring that up.
You say I always think so negative but I never think about ending us. Yet you do.
You always do and that fucken kills me.
How is it that I think we're doing good and yet u say I'm at risk of losing you.
You worry I'll leave you yet you've thought about leaving me.
You say you want to marry me and your making sure that I'm 100% in before asking me yet your have doubts.
Why can't you see the amount of love I have for you, why can't you see how good of a person you are in my eye, how smart you are, why do you always think I think negatively towards you.
Why do you never have faith in me?
You compare me to all ur pasts but what about the good? Will you always want the future you lost?
I guess slowly you'll start to see that I am to much of recurring issues that you will give up on our future.
I guess the future I want is to hard for you to love.
You just had always seem like you liked the idea even though I knew it was not yours. And now you made it seem like for you to accept this is like I'm asking for the moon.
That even though you love me our futures might be to different.
I love you so much and i want to stand by your said through it all, the good and the bad.
But you don't seem to want to be around for the bad.
You said it yourself that this will now be in my thoughts now and it will be hard to let go of.
But so many people leave me and you just said it urself that it's a possibility for you to be gone too.
I always knew I would be the one to cause us issues.
I love you and to me that mean you try and work it out but if your always going to try and call if quits when the going gets rough then what am I fighting for?
