CLANDESTINE

trente - trois

33
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you know i never meant
to let you down.
_____

"mark, you need to get out."

donghyuck sighed as he knocked again on the door.

no reply.

it's been minutes since donghyuck had been standing in front of mark's room and mark still didn't answer any of his calls. the others wanted them to join all of them hanging out at the dream's dorm but now donghyuck was stuck with probably a dead mark inside the room.

"it's been a whole three weeks since i properly see you mark."

donghyuck tried again, now sounding more whiny as he still get no answer from the boy inside the room. "i'm gonna force open this door mark, don't test me!" donghyuck shouted. well, he wouldn't do that. he don't even have enough power to push the door, let alone to force it open. donghyuck didn't even know where the spare keys were located at, which he made a reminder of asking the others about it after this. we really wouldn't know when this kind of situation will happen to us.

"mar-"

a click came and the door opened, revealing a disheveled looking boy.

mark could be said as hideous with those dark, blood shot eyes, his weary gaze, his skin too pale and his hair messy but he's mark lee for God's sake, when did he ever look bad? at least in donghyuck's eyes, it would be never. mark was still handsome as always.

mark was staring at him as donghyuck kept rambling about how ugly he is and how skinny he had been, the things that he missed and just being the annoying boy he is but mark wasn't focusing on him or any of that.

mark's gaze was at the cut on donghyuck's right cheek.

the nausea came back to him as mark stared at it.

he did that.

whenever he found it, mark would be reminded again that it's him that did it. it's him that had hurt donghyuck. no matter how cheerful and happy donghyuck may be portrayed by now, mark was haunted with the image of donghyuck begging him to stop.

the fear that existed once in donghyuck's eyes, the tears spilling down, the cries of pain from his lips, the weak hands pushing him away, the trembling of his body, the stuttering words, the flinches of his movements.

mark had ignored all of it.

donghyuck stopped talking as mark's cold hand cupped his cheek, his fingers trailing to the cut as he caressed it cautiously, fearfully.

mark was afraid that he would hurt donghyuck again if he was to touch him carelessly. tears that haven't been with mark for a while were back as he breathed shakingly.

"mark,"

donghyuck called gently as he watched the older boy in front of him. mark looked like he's really going to break soon, too soon that it brought the tears to donghyuck's eyes too as he pulled mark to a hug. both of them fell to their knees, legs were too weak to stand.

donghyuck patted mark's back, kissing his forehead as he whispered comfort words to mark. mark was crushing him with hugging him tightly but donghyuck knew, mark need him now. donghyuck cupped mark's face, the tears running down quickly the older boy's face. donghyuck can felt his own tears too as mark kept sobbing.

"it's okay, i-i'm okay mark."

donghyuck spoke, his voice cracking as mark shook his head frantically.

"n-no, no. look at me m-mark. i'm okay. i'm fine."

donghyuck tried to stop the boy from sobbing but mark was way too gone with the evil thoughts dancing on his mind already, mashing together with the corrupted, self-loathing remarks of himself.

mark was crying against donghyuck's chest by now and it hurt him more to know that he broke the younger's heart. donghyuck's heart beats had never fails to calm him but now it just scared him, it made him fear himself that he did things that might possibly be the reason those heart beats stop. the rhythmic beating of donghyuck's heart was the evidence of his love towards mark - what donghyuck said - but mark didn't deserve that. he don't deserve any of it.

"please, d-don't blame yourself mark. i understand, i swear, i understand so please, don't blame yourself. i-it's not you, i know. i'm fine now."

donghyuck trust mark. that is one thing that he held so dearly in his heart, donghyuck trust mark with his whole existence. no matter what happened, he would trust mark. mark was a good person, donghyuck trust him enough to know that.

"i h-hurt you.."

mark's small whimper made donghyuck's grip on him tightened.

"i forgive you mark, i'm okay now. i'm hurt, yes, but it's okay. look at me, i'm fine already. i know that you're sorry but i need you with me. i can't do this alone, please. don't blame yourself, you don't mean it. you don't and i know. i love you mark,"

"please, forgive yourself."

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i was listening to the fault in our stars while writing this and goddammit i have tears on my face fuck

- tantan