Summertime ~ Frerard

Rain ~ 5

A/N TRIGGERS AHEAD. Stay safe, and if you want to skip this, just pm and I'll explain the plot.

Song(s): gøner, twenty øne piløts
Dying in a hot tub, palaye royale

I've always loved the rain, especially summer storms like this one. The loud, violent splashes of water against the windows and the booming thunder. It makes me feel like my mind isn't the only thing that makes this much noise.

I'm alone tonight. Mom is out, visiting grandma, Mikey is with Pete, Ryan and Brendon on a double date. I haven't even bothered to pick up my phone to see where the others are. I miss my little flower boy.

I don't know what time it is, but it's dark out. I shouldn't be making coffee this late. I don't care though, and grab the white, coffee filled cup anyways.

I go back upstairs, the cup burning on the skin of my left hand. I set the cup on my bedside table, after taking a sip from it, the bitter liquid tastes like heaven to me.

I feel lonely today, I think, as I run my fingers through my greasy hair. I haven't showered since I hung out with Frank three days ago.

I go up to my closet, and open it. I search through layers and layers of clothes, and I finally touch some leather. I take out the expensive notebook, and walk up to my desk, after retrieving my coffee cup. It's my journal. I usually use it as an outlet for the depressing thoughts that come with humid days like today.

I carefully flip through the pages, some words written in red ink catch my eye. I already know what kind of words they are, so I don't linger on that page for that long, because today it isn't only about humid days. Today it's about wild daisies too. 

I know what kind of words they are. I've had this journal for a long time, and those words still haunt me to this day, even though I've learnt how to start battling them.

I pick up a yellow marker. It reminds me of daisies, and daisies remind me of my little flower boy.

I start writing about him, the smooth paper under the harsh ink of the marker. He's my best friend. I barely know him, but I already feel like I've known him my whole life.

~~~

It's late. It's very late at night, I'm sure of it. Mikey is staying over at Pete's. And that means I'm alone.

The red words won this battle. I shouldn't have let them, but they did, and it's bad and I haven't felt to bad since I've last picked up a blade.

I stand in front of a mirror now, the full length mirror of the bathroom. I look at my scars. Hundreds of tiny, little scars litter my thighs and hips, some stretch marks to keep them company. I shouldn't be this upset over some skin.

But it looks so ugly. The yellowish glow of the pale skin under the crappy lights looks awful and yet I keep staring and touching and pinching and squeezing at the skin.

I start tracing one of my biggest scars. It's the first one I've ever made. It's on my left hip, it goes straight across and almost touches my belly button.

I start counting the stretch marks on the back of my thighs. It's thirteen on the left one and fifteen on the right one. I don't count the ones on my hips. I already know there are twenty four of them. Twenty four.

I look at my thighs. They touch. They shouldn't do that. I look at the slightest bit of stomach sticking out. I look over at the razor I left out on the sink yesterday morning. Maybe i should-

No. No, I remind myself. I won't fall for that again, after months of being clean. I put on a t-shirt, and walk out of the bathroom. I won't do that ever again.

I'm so angry at myself for even thinking about that. I'm just so stupid for ever doing that and even more stupid for falling for it again and-. I stop myself, and take a deep breath, I need to talk to somebody.

I pick up my phone, from where I last left it near my empty coffee cup a couple of hours ago. It's midnight.

I scroll through my contacts. Mikey? No. He's probably doing something with Pete right now. Awsten? I don't think he's awake. Emerson? He's on vacation with his family, I don't want to ruin it for him making him worry. Josh? Ryan? Patrick? Ray? No to all of them. I decide that talking to someone might not be a good idea, then i see Frank's contact. Should I? Maybe I should.

Lemongee: Hey Frank, are you up?
Flower boy🌸: Yeah, what's up?
Lemongee: I'm just not feeling that good emotionally right now, and I need to talk to somebody

Incoming FaceTime from flower boy🌸

I accept the call, and Frank's face pops up on the screen.

"Gee, what's up? You look like you've been crying." He states, worry clear on his features.

"Well," I begin, sitting on my bed "I'm really sad, you know? It's just that on rainy days I get really sad for some reason, and I just kinda started overthinking myself and-" I pause, and take a deep breath "now, don't be worried about me, and I know this is a heavy thing to drop on you, we barely know each other, I'm mostly fine, and i stopped doing that a long time ago-" I paused, choking up "I thought about cutting again"

Neither of us said anything. The call was silent, Frank was staring at me, judging me. He thinks I'm a freak now. A stupid, ugly freak that can't do anythin-

"You didn't though, did you? Please, please tell me you didn't." He whispers, his eyes shining with unshed tears "Please, tell me you didn't. Please, don't do that. You're amazing. You're the only one that made me feel accepted and maybe I'm being too cheesy but you're my only best friend-"

"I didn't. I caught myself before I could." I say truthfully.

He sighs in relief "please, know that I'm here for you no matter what. You already mean so much to me, you're my only friend"

"This is why I chose to call you. All the other guys know that I have depression and that I'm better now, but I chose you because you already mean so much to me," I reply.  "I'm really alright, I've learnt how to stop the toxic thoughts, I just needed to let it out with someone I trust"

"I really want to hug you right now" he claims, pulling what I suppose is a blanket over part of his upper body, from what I can see from the screen.

"We can hang out tomorrow, if you want," I say, sliding down in a laying position "we can go wherever you want, or we can hang out here, and I might let you dye my hair if you want"

I really like the thought of him dyeing my hair

"Yeah. I'd really like that." He smiles

~~~
A/n woah. Today I really felt like shit and I guess this is the outcome. Please, if you ever feel like gee in this and you need someone to talk to, my pm's are always open <3