Umm... What?

So Much Has Happened, That I Grew A Mushroom On My Head...

1. Sorry that it's been a while, but I've been breaking down and being stressed to the point I didn't wanna do anything.

2. School's out for me (it's been out but shit was still happening) so I'll try updating more for the break? No promises.

3. Family's over for the holidays, and so time to be an anxious boy being called a girl 10x more. Yay.

Now that that's out of the way... Let me catch you up on everything that has happened, between the last time I've updated to now. So, there was a Book Talk (a presentation about a book I've read) and the book I read was about trans people, and the sole reason I read it was because I am trans. We're supposed to put the reason why we read the book, and I know I could've lied and made up some excuse, but I couldn't do that, I couldn't force myself to hide in the closet. So I planned on coming out to my class. Note: I said planned. Instead, what happened was, I didn't eat lunch, cause a break down was starting to settle in, like it comes slow, then bites me in the ass, and then when my English class came, I broke down and went into the bathroom. After that, which it was probably 20 minutes that I was in there, I went back to class with my friend Michael, he helped me. Once that class was done, I stayed there for 45 minutes, talking about why I broke down, cause that teacher has anxiety and I rely on her for a lot of things. 

Later that day, I had told my friend about what happened, and my older sister eavesdropped a bit. When we got home, she questioned me about it, and because I thought she was someone I could trust, I told her. But, she kept interrupting me and making little comments before I could really explain things. Then she got mad about me for mentioning my therapist, and went off on a rant and tangent about it, then she gets pissed at me, while I'm sitting in silence, mind you, talking about how I never should've come out to my parents and never should've mentioned getting a therapist to my doctor. How, thanks to those two things, I'm now getting all of the attention and none of it is going towards my siblings. Which by the way, isn't at all true. My little sister Camryn gets plenty of attention, in fact, she doesn't even get in trouble for shit! It goes to someone else! Then my other little sister, Riley, she gets plenty attention, the attention she needs. Kristin goes independent and she chose that for herself, that's all on her. But while she's yelling at me, I'm trying not to cry, but then she says that "this transgender thing is absolute bullshit" and that's what hit me. Once she was done, I went to my room and broke down, again. I was texting my boyfriend, basically telling him I love him, but I couldn't live anymore. My whole world was shattered because the one person in my family who really supported me, who tried to help me, just said it was all a lie. He tried telling me not to, that he needed me, and eventually, I calmed down, though it was more forced because I had to go get my little sisters off the bus. Well, right when I calmed down, Kristin walks into my room. She asks me why I'm crying, but I don't answer. Then she tells me that me staying silent is pissing her more off. That ended with her saying, and I quote," If I didn't support you, I wouldn't help you." Then she walked out. 

I had to calm down more, because I had to go to the bus stop, but I was confused, still confused, as to what she meant by that last statement. Not only that, but she continued the day/week like nothing happened between us. I told my therapist what happened and she was even confused by it. 

Fast forward to last Monday. It was time for everyone in my friend group to give out the secret santa gifts. I had a guy named Oliver, someone I hate, but he wasn't there. I painted him a dragon silhouette with a rustic blue background. It looks cool, but I'm gonna have to give him after Christmas Break. Anyways, the person who was my secret santa was someone who hated me and that I hated. I hate her because of the shit she's been spreading about someone whom I care about, and she hates me cause I call her "It". The present she gave me was meant to be a joke, but the thing is, she didn't tell me directly after school was over, I found out about it from 2 of my friends. What the present was was a little note, basically saying," Haha fuck you, love 'It'". Then there was a rat plushie (one of her kind) and some nail filers to file my claws. My friend Michael was pissed off about it, because apparently the actual gift was the chest binder I've been promised for 2 months now and still haven't gotten, and he knows how bad my dysphoria is. I wasn't too upset about it at first, but when I found out what the real present was, I was pissed. See, the difference between me and "It" is she's petty about everything. If it was her that I got for secret santa, I would've gotten her something nice, something she'd appreciate, and everyone knows that too. 

Next, I've been having a lot more panic attacks and anxiety attacks like crazy and I honestly don't know why. It's like, every little thing that I do wrong or that I feel I'm doing wrong, I start to freak out. Examples: when my brother, Roman, did an impulsive act which was change his name to Kymal only because he had changed his name from John to Roman while he was with 2 of his exes. And I get that you don't want a memory of those assholes, but it's your name for crying out loud! But I couldn't state my opinion because if I did, he would've gotten pissy and it would've started a fight so I just nodded along, showing my displeasure in slight ways.... He got mad anyways. So, I left all the Discord servers I had with him, and broke down because I don't do well under the pressure of pissing someone off. Then he texted me asking me what's wrong and that he won't change his name. I was just too upset to do anything. The sudden feeling of no one needing me sank in until the next day and I just felt really low.

On a lighter note, I have brown hair now. No longer a blond.

I'm getting into watercolor, and the first one I did... isn't great, but that's okay. 

I think that's it? It doesn't sound like a lot but it is, for me.