Umm... What?

Same place I was in the beginning

Oof it's been a while. How're y'all doing? 

I've been away for a bit, and thought I could benefit myself from getting away from forcing myself to keep up stories that I had hope for, but it actually did completely nothing to my life. But let me catch you all up to speed as to what has happened in the time I last wrote.

- Figured out that I'm demisexual (though I haven't completely solidified it, I do know I'm a form of asexuality) Which is weird to me, because I am a very sexual person, I have dirty thoughts. Are they specifically for someone? Not really, no. But I noticed that when ever I do get sexual or anything, it's in a time of high stress or I've just been feeling really depressed. So this entire fucking time I thought I was just some normal teenage boy, it turns out that I was subconsciously trying to relieve stress through masturbating. (Oh ew gross Tauren, I don't wanna hear about that) then why read my shit?

- This person I had been friends with, and got really close to has been on and off convo with me, and I really like them, possibly love, or at least I did. When you have me waiting around with no answer as to what the fuck happened or even telling me what you did in the month/months you've been gone, of course my feelings are gonna go down the drain.

- Came out to my entire family through Facebook, blocked my parents and my friend's parents from seeing it, simply because 1. I honestly didn't have to have a breakdown when I was trying to get a weight off my shoulders, and 2. my friend doesn't want their parents to know about me being trans, and I respect that. I did get positive feedback, didn't get anything negative, probably because I told them if they have anything negative to say, just don't say it, there's no need to cause a fight. Two of my aunts, my grandma (who already knew), and my uncle and cousin gave me the positive responses.

- Speaking of aunts, my aunt Patti died two weeks ago, she was having heart problems and because her body was too weak, no doctor wanted to move forward with her for the procedure, so they had to just let her run her course till it was time to cut the strings. 

- Like right after the death, I went on a vacation I really didn't wanna go on, got sea lice rash on the 4th of July, was incredibly anxious and my depression kind just went up?? Also, I was supposed to go to a much needed therapy session but of course it was cancelled thanks to the vacation. It was down to the Keys, and the main reason I didn't wanna go was because of my very high dysphoria

-The therapy session I went to this past Monday, I took the test again to see where I am at on the depression scale, and just like when I first took it those oh so many months ago, I still have severe depression. Ain't that fucking dandy? I mean, when I was looking at everything on the test, I just kept thinking to myself," Oh so that's why I've been like this."

I don't mean to be so irritated, it just sorta happens when you're under this much stress and just wanna fucking die, but you can't cause your conscience is like," Hey, you great, you got friends who care, they just busy, you stronger than this, if you die now, no one is gonna remember who you are." I always fight with myself like that, saying I can't die yet, because I haven't left my mark on the world yet.

So that's where I am in my life, kinda giving up on the idea of love, hating myself even more, and finding out I'm still as depressed as I was in October of last year. 0 v 0 Woohoo.