Euphoria // Grunge One-Shots

Why? - Eddie Vedder

It had been a while since I hurt myself, but after hearing about my father's death, I couldn't help it. I started harming myself again and I haven't stopped doing it ever since. Feeling like I need to punish myself for not being there for my father when he needed me the most.

My father always said he really wanted to visit me, but it never happened. He got sick and a couple of months later he died. I never thought it was so serious, so I never really saved money to go visit him and I blame myself for not fulfilling his wish of seeing me one last time.

I've never told my boyfriend, Eddie, about my self-harm. It's just something he doesn't need to know about. He has things he keeps to himself, so have I, my self-harm being one of them.

I love Eddie with all my heart and I wouldn't know what to do without him, but there are things I like to keep to myself. I think everyone has something personal you don't even share with your closest friend, right?

"Hey, love." Eddie says while walking up to me. I turn and smile at him, hiding the immense pain shooting through my arm when he reaches for me to hug him. "Hey Ed, how was practice?"

He moves back, "It went pretty good, actually. We came up with some new tunes, so that's something." he says with a smile.

I smile back at him, "I'm happy for you and the guys."

Eddie walks back into the hall and grabs his stuff, "I'm gonna bring this upstairs and take a shower."

"Alright, love. I'll make dinner, it won't be long before it's done, so make it quick." I tell him while he's already making his way upstairs and in response I get a 'sure thing, captain!'

I smile to myself at his goofiness, where did I manage to find someone like him? What did I ever do to deserve his love? I quickly push that last thought aside before I start to feel unsure of myself again.

"Eddie, dinner's ready!" I yell, standing at the foot of the stairs. I hear a faint 'I'm coming' and I walk back into the kitchen to put the food on the plates. I place the plates on the table in our dining room and not much later Eddie enters the room, wearing some sweatpants and a 'The Who' shirt. I smile to myself at the sight of him, but when his gaze meets mine my smile drops; he looks confused and... angry? Why would he be angry?

"What's wrong?" I ask him and I feel my heart sinking deeply when I see what he's holding in his hand.

He slowly looks up at me, "Could you please tell me why, on earth, there was a bloodied razorblade in the sink?" he says, his voice trembling and very cold.

I feel myself lost for words so I simply give him an apologetic look. "Show me your arms, please." he says while stepping closer to me.

Shaking my head, I say 'no'. But Eddie ignores it and firmly, yet carefully, grabs ahold of my wrist. I try to remove myself from his grip, but he's too strong. He moves his other hand to my sleeve and moves it up, only to reveal a row of fresh cuts on my arm.

Eddie drops the razorblade, which he was still holding carefully, in shock and snaps his head up, "Why, (Y/N)? Why would you do this to yourself?"

Now that Eddie's distracted I yank my hand from his grip and move back to the dining table. "Just sit down, Ed. The food's getting cold." I say in a small voice.

"No!" Eddie almost screams, "Tell me! Why are you hurting yourself?" I can hear the desperate tone in his voice, but decide to ignore it and simply take a seat.

"I don't know about you, but I'm gonna start eating." I say, trying to act as if nothing just happened.

Eddie scoffs and takes the seat across from me, "Are you gonna tell me about it after dinner, then?" he asks, not only sounding desperate, but actually angry.

His voice is the drop. I break into tears, "Why would I tell you?" I yell at him. "You do nothing but act angry towards me, this is the exact reason why I didn't tell you!"

Eddie's expression goes from angry to baffled. He is about to speak up, but I'm not done talking, yet. "You always act like everything's alright, but things aren't always alright, Eddie! Life is not always perfect. Like sucks sometimes!" I yell, now completely drowning in my own tears.

"You know very well that I know life isn't always perfect." Eddie says through gritted teeth. "I just don't understand why you would hurt yourself! Does it make you feel any better?!" Eddie's screaming as well, now.

I say nothing, 'cause honestly: it never really made me feel better. It was always the idea that hurting myself would be a good punishment, but after doing it, I never seem to feel better. The next day, I feel the exact same and I want to do it all over again.

"That's what I thought." Eddie says, his voice back to a normal volume.

I'm still crying, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.." I sniffle, indeed knowing fully well that Eddie's hasn't had the easiest and happiest life either. 

He looks up, still a bit angry, but his face drops when he sees how tearstained my face is, "I know. I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have yelled at you." He stands up and walks over to me, taking me out of my seat and hugging my tightly. "I love you, (Y/N). I just don't want you to be hurt and I can't handle knowing you're cutting yourself open when I'm not here."

I sob into his shirt, "I'm sorry." I whisper, "I just, I feel like shit lately.."

"Then please, just talk to me about it, maybe it'll help. But please stop hurting yourself." he begs and I nod into him, "I will try." I say as I move my head back and up to face him. "It's just- my dad.. he keeps running through my mind.."

Eddie moves his hand to my cheek and wipes away the tears, "I understand, but it wasn't your fault, (Y/N). You couldn't have known about his passing so quickly. It was a shock for everyone. I know your father wouldn't want you to hurt yourself, I'm positive about it. So please stop doing it and come to me if there's something on your mind."

I should've known Eddie was so supportive, I just never really gave it any thought. I should've known he's here for me when I need him, he's always been there for me. "I love you, Ed, so fucking much. I'm sorry for not saying anything."

"Don't be. Just don't hurt yourself anymore, alright?" he says, softly cupping my face.

"I won't."

"I love you so much, (Y/N). You're my whole world."

"And you're mine."