mala fide (lams)

uno flatu

in one breath

JOHN JOGGED THE TRACK. It was a misty Saturday morning and he was alone.  Not having football practice was throwing him off—not to mention, he hadn't seen his teammates in weeks.  He saw a few of them, of course, and they were worried about him but glad he was back, although John resolved to ignore them and blow them off.  He didn't want to confront them about why he was gone.  It was embarrassing as it was, knowing that many teachers knew what had happened, in addition to the obvious rumors going around amongst his peers.
He breathed heavily as he continued to jog. Inhale as he stepped right, exhale as he stepped left. He had a meticulous, yet subconscious, pattern to his running.

It was chilly, of course, so he was in his track pants and sweatshirt. John could hardly see the other end of the track due to the mist and fog. He liked it like that. It made him feel isolated and at peace.

That peace was broken suddenly when a figure emerged from the direction of the high school. He didn't stop jogging in hopes that whoever it was would see him and leave. However, he heard the voice and saw the face of one of his teammates. With a groan, John stopped his jogging but kept a continuous high-step in place.

"Hey, Laurens," said Tallmadge, grinning. "You're here early."

John stopped his stationary jog, feeling awkward.

"Hey," he breathed.

"Coach said you weren't playing the rest of the season."

"Yeah."

"I heard about what—"

"You didn't. I promise that whatever it is you think you heard, you didn't," John cut him off quickly, harshly, still breathing heavily though he tried to mask it.

"Look, man, I totally get why you wouldn't want people to know. It's, um... it's awkward. But it's weird not having you on the team, just so you know. We all miss you. Wish that we would've known about what had happened sooner, maybe visited you or something—?"

"I didn't want anybody to," John admitted. He realized he was roped into this conversation—one he had tried to avoid several times whether it be after school or in class. People approached him constantly, apologizing to him and saying they wished they had been there for him.

"Me and the rest of the guys, we're really sorry. You never seemed like the kind of guy who was dealing with that sort of stuff. But we're really glad you're okay," he said solemnly. He put his hand on John's shoulder, frowning. "If something had happened to you..."

John shrugged his hand away awkwardly. "I'm fine. You can tell the other guys I'm fine, too. And if people ask about me, tell them, too, I'm fine. It's really nobody else's business and now it seems like everybody is talking about it all the damn time."

"I'll tell 'em to shut up and leave it alone," Tallmadge promised, trying to smile but feeling too sad to even force it.

"Thanks."

"Can I just ask—? Why? I know that sometimes stuff like this doesn't have a reason but I felt like... like, before it happened, you were all... well, you were normal, and then you seemed really off and goddammit, I wish I had just asked you about what was bothering you, but I felt like you wouldn't have talked so it would've been pointless anyways. So I just didn't try, even though maybe I could have done something because I would have been there to just be there for you, you know?"

"There's nothing you could have done."

"Do you still feel like that? Like, did you get help, are you okay now?"