LIVING: From Teenagers Perspectives

Happiness??

As a child happiness filled me with so much joy, peace, comfort, and tranquility. I felt contented and satisfied, the little dexterous things I did made me brighter. Whatever I had achieved, would make me smile, shinning my teeth so it would glow with the sun.

I was loved.

My whole life began to feel like it was in sync with the earth, the world felt calm and stable to me. I dwelled in the satisfaction I got from playing with my toys, what could make me happy was given to me even after my unending cries that made it seem like I was annoying. I was fed and clothed, living my life without worries.

Night would come and I would watch my mum and dad tuck me into bed and tell me Goodnight, sleeping with my favorite toy in hand. I would travel to a beautiful land where my toy indeed came to life, we would go on adventures and never got tired feet.

At 5, curiosity peaked in. I began to wish I could  grow up like mummy and daddy, to feel happy like they did around me. I wanted to have my own bonding moment with my kid. I had learned to appreciate the affection between the two people that made up our family.

Now I'll like to take that back, I still want to be 5 and happy. Yes, happiness is all I need right now, enough love and happiness.

If my mum had told me to choose between growing and being in her womb or remaining 5, I would have chosen to be 5. Many may not want this but the life in which one is leaving has turned upside down, moving without meaning, slower than a tortoise, hard as a rock, burning like the flames from a furnace.

High school changed it all for me, that was when happiness snuck out from my life and went into the world to hide from me. I became a ghost; not to be seen or heard, sparing a smile that lacked emotion, laughing like a sick person with a chronic cough and lung disease. I began to live beyond man's existence, finding peace amongst emptiness and silence. I felt alive during those times but they were always short lived.

Life's mistakes became my nightmare. I trusted many who made my secrets turn into lyrics cascading off their lips, I became a comedy. My kindness was taken for granted until finally, I had turned into a self-bully.

The world's torture was only a buzzing fly which I was able to swat with my hands but my mouth and mind tortured me, beat me till I cried uncontrollably at night, losing my control and sanity. Sleep became my enemy after I had fought with it countless times to stay away from me.

In the morning, I stayed away from the mirror. Whoever I saw there wasn't me in princess outfits back then, now I had no castle. I had no servants to command, I was the servant myself, in rags. All these and more I saw in the mirror.

People would say you should learn from all that ever happened to you, learn to forget the past that torments you, forget it and move on turning to a new chapter of a book which you'd write by yourself.

I'm doing all of that but those scars would always remind me of what I've forgotten, you can forgive the world but I never learned to forgive myself for letting it damage me. I stayed close to the people, but I became a mystery.

I'm still on a journey to find happiness, I asked myself if love would be able to cure the unpleasant memories and restore happiness, or maybe I'll realize that movies tell a fake tale about how love could change one's life into a beautiful fairytale.

Then I'll keep pretending and lying when someone asks if I'm truly okay and happy living my life the way it is right now. I'll say I'm fine and okay no matter what.

© Maryekeleme

By:
Maryekeleme