Nine Months

Barely Showing

"You're not living alone by yourself Ellie, not like this." Matt gestures at my stomach.

"I am barely showing! Everyone thinks 'she's gained some' not , 'she's pregnant let's get her!' Besides I am fine living here alone, not that I am really alone anymore with the twins." I say partly to my self.

I've been living by myself for two years now since I ditched my roommates for a goldfish. It's better company anyways and doesn't leave dirty dishes in the sink.

"Ellie, please come live with me. My parents moved to Florida last month and their house is still on the market. If I ask then they'll let us buy it cheap." Matt sees the doubt on my face but he still continues. "Ellie please, the house is perfect. Three bed rooms, two baths and it has a large yard for the kids to play in." Matt steps closer, putting a hand on my stomach. "You don't want them growing up here, in this small apartment?"

I move back and his hand falls away. Hurt passes over his face for a second but he recovers.

"I don't know Matt, and what's wrong with my apartment?" Sure it's small but he's making it seem like I live in squander.

"It only has one bedroom, the locks are shoddy, the building doesn't have a washer or dryer and you live on the third floor without an elevator. How are you going to get a carriage up three flights of stairs everyday?"

He does have a point, but this is my home, my safety blanket. When Richard The Bastard tried to get me to move in with him full time I still kept this place. I'm so glad that I did or else I'd be homeless. I can't believe that this is my life now.

"This is my home Matt." I look him dead in the eye. He has to understand that.

"Ellie please, think of the kids. Think of yourself." He steps closer to me.

"I am thinking about my kids! I am thinking about how hard it would be on them if you..." Left. I finish in my head. He could do it, it's not like he's the one who knocked me up in the first place. He doesn't owe me anything, he could just decide one day that it's all too much and leave. No one would blame him. I wouldn't.

"If I what Ellie? Leave?" Matt asks his voice low. I nod. If I talk I think I'll cry. "Ellie listen to me," he steps closer and puts his hands on my shoulders. "I promise I won't leave. I won't bail like Richard did. You're my best friend, when have I ever let you down?"

"Never." I whisper.

"Exactly I haven't. Now come here." he pulls me into a hug. It's not romantic, just two friends in need of a hug.

"Matt you know you'll be the only father they'll ever know? Your kids will love you." I say as we break apart.

"My kids?" Matt looks down at my small baby bump. "My kids, I am going to be a dad Ellie." He looks up at me. "Ellie we're going to be parents."

The enormity of the situation hits me. Parents, in a few short months we'll be responsible for the life of not just one but two new human beings. Two small defenceless, innocent people who will fully dependant on us for everything from love to live.

"I don't think I can do this Matt." I step away from him and my back hits the fridge. My eyes are watering. I can't do this.

"What...what are you saying Ellie?" I can hear panic rising in his voice.

"I can't. I thought I could do it by myself but I can't. I just can't."

I walk past Matt into the apartment's small living room, tears threatening my every step. what was I thinking? I was stupid to think that I could even try to be a parent. I'll just call the clinic and have a...an...abortion. then I can go on with my life as planned.

Life is life because we don't plan it. My inner kung fu master pipes up.

"Eleanor Rose McDowell, look at me." Matt stands in front of me. "You are not alone. I promise I will never leave you or the kids until the day I die."

"Matt..." I am scared now. that sounded like a marriage proposal. I like Matt but not like that, he's just a friend, my best friend. "Matt you're not... Are you proposing?"

Matt sits down on the couch besides me, the worn leather making a soft hiss and the air is forced out.

"Ellie if that's what you want I'll do it. I'll marry you."

Matt scoots closer and pulls my hands into his. Out pale skin times only a shade or two different.

Is this what I want? We wouldn't have a conventional marriage. Sure we'd have two kids and maybe even a dog an we would get along but the marriage would be missing the one thing that got me into this mess in the first place, sex.