Nine Months

With All My Heart

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Is that what I really wanted, a loveless marriage? I am not saying that we wouldn't love each other but it wouldn't be a romantic type of love.

"No Matt I don't want that. I am not saying I don't like you, I just don't like you in that way. I am sorry"

And I really am sorry. It would be easier on everyone if I really loved him. The kids would have a normal life; we would have a normal life.

"No Ellie don't be sorry, I understand what you are saying and I don't like you like that either but I do love you Ellie. I love you with all my heart just not like that."

The tears that had threatened to spill earlier are now streaming down my face. I know that he means every word that he says and I just hope that I don't let him down.

"Shush, shush. It's okay Ellie, shush" Matt says as he pulls me into a cuddle hug like when we were younger. I can feel myself relaxing as Matt murmurs behind my head. The tears are still running down my face but I feel calmer.

"Do you want me to sing Ellie?" He asks as he places his chin on my head. I laugh but it comes out as more of a hiccup because of the crying

"No Matt, I remember what happened at that Christmas party last year."

"I was majestic!" he says as we break apart.

"Matt, it was horrible. Old Mr. Bates took his hearing aid out and Ms. Nolle kept asking for a lobotomy so she wouldn't have to listen to you!" He was that bad. They wouldn't let him back in until after New Year's was over and they had hidden all the sound equipment.

"Bah, they love me there, I spice things up. Living in a retirement home must get boring I am merely providing a source of refined entertainment."

Matt and I volunteer at a local retirement home, Cedar Acres, a few times a week. It's true they do love him there, and it's no doubt that he provides entertainment. One time he decided that the residents needed a little more excitement in their daily lives so he dressed himself up as a leprechaun complete with beard and went about the residence talking with an Irish brogue. It was December.

"Oh yes Matt you're the very definition of refined." I say as I snuggle my way back onto him. He wraps me up in his arms and we're quite for a while.

"He never even offered to marry me Mattie. He just said 'it's your problem now. Your pill must not have worked because my condom was fine. Clean your shit out of my apartment." He didn't care, I was with him for a year and he didn't care.

"He must have missed Sex Ed if he though his condom was 'fine'. Besides it's no ones fault, you did use protection. it's not like you were trying to get knocked up." Matt says as he tries to grab a blanket that once was on the couch but is now on the floor.

"Yeah but what if it was my fault? What if I missed a pill or what if I got them confused or..." or what if Richard swapped them? Where did that though come from? The last thing he'd want would be a kid. Richard even hated having to take care of my fish when I went out of town, he couldn't handle a baby.

"Ellie, listen to me." I crane my neck so that I can look at him better. "It wasn't your fault, it was no ones fault. The only one hundred percent effective method of never getting pregnant is becoming a virgin nun with a chastity belt." Leave it to Matt to find the best imagery.

"You're right."

"Like always"

"Don't push your luck, I admitted it once let's leave it at that." I say as I pull the blanket up closer to me.

"Matt?" I ask without looking up.

"What?"

"Can you get me a cookie?" I hear him sigh and shift beneath me as he gets up. It really is too bad that I don't love him that way, he's going to make some woman really happy someday.

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I noticed a few verb tense mistakes after I published this part the first time and I went back corrected them. Morel of this story, don't type tired.