Restless Thoughts

A letter to my son, You have the power to win.

I chose life.

But in return I gave up mine.

I gave up my body to create you.

I gave up my strength to carry you.

I gave up my time and comfort so you could grow.

I gave up my brain and sanity to let hormones help me help you.

I gave up all the bad things that I ever dared enter my body.

I gave up money.

I gave up relationships.

I gave up vacations.

I gave up love.

I risked my life to bring you into this world.

I stayed up day and night to help you ease into this world.

I lost sleep and lost jobs because I had to put you first.

Entire paychecks gone to make sure you were fed.

Payed more for your childcare than rent just so I could pay for the house that you and I lived in.

Every move and dollar spent depended on you.

Just as you depended on me.

I was ultimately living for you.

I lost sight of who I was...

But sometimes people need a new view.

Because I did choose life

Because you were apart of me.

I let you grow with me as one

And in return we both grew stronger.

I had to manage my time for us both

And learn how to push through my comfort zone.

I had to feel the way I did to learn how to manage my emotions.

And also face the pain that lingered in me.

I had to learn how to live a life sober and truly seek out my interests and passions.

I had to invest in your future and spend money more wisely.

I had to realize that not all my friends and family are on the same page as me and whether I wanted to or not those relationships faded away.

I had to realize that i needed to settle down and focus on the bigger picture instead of living for now.

I had to realize how much energy it takes to maintain life and promote growth.

I had to rearrange my schedule and learn how to manage my time and leave places that only cared about their company and not the well being of my family.

I had to sacrifice and work harder to understand the true meaning of a dollar.

I had to put my trust into others and work hard to be able to create foundation for a home.

I had to understand that my once freedom was now power.

Power that you needed.

Power that I didn't know I needed.

I look back now and I see it all so much more clearer.

I see your face bright eyed and so alert the first time I saw you.

It was like I was looking into a soul who was ready and aware.

It was feeling your skin against mine and holding you close.

It was seeing you sleep and smile, laugh and cry.

It was learning your habits and seeing your strong personality shine through.

It was feeding you, bathing you, comforting you and seeing you at peace.

It was hearing your first word.. Seeing your first step..learning how to blow a kiss.

It was watching you grow and turn into the little man you are now.

We are both growing because of you.

You were the part of me that gave me strength.

You changed my life.

I didn't see it then.

But I see it now.

I hope I can give you everything you've gave me.

I hope I can help you grow in every possible way.

I hope you turn into the power you are destined to be.

As long as you realize that life is not all about you.

As long as you realize there's a reason for what you go through.

As long as you realize all the love and blessings that come to you.

Focus on the strength, focus on your power.

There is nobody else out there like you.

So don't expect others to feel the same as you.

Even though others may expect that from you.

You must understand that sometimes things aren't fair.

But you need to take what you can get from it.

Whether its a lesson or a realization.

Sometimes the best way to deal with people is to understand them.

This world is full of power.

Evil and selfish power.

You have what it takes to understand how to meet these people on their level.

You have to beat them at their own game.

Learn from them. Learn from the enemy. Learn from your peers. Learn from everybody.

The more you know the better.

People will want you to pick sides but you cannot make this move in life.

There are no 2 sides, nothing is black and white.

You have to take every person you meet as an individual.

You cannot assume or judge anyone you meet.

Don't cave to the pressure to conform.

Stay true to who you are.

You have the power to win.