I am his, and he his mine • cmbyn (DISCONTINUED)

☼twenty two☼

We were back on the balcony; that damned balcony where we both seem to let all guards down. We were silent, the noise of a cigarette drag and the continuous hum of the cicadas were the only things anyone could hear for miles.

I cleared my throat and he spoke immediately like that was what he was waiting for, "you don't have to say you want me when you don't," he said while looking the other direction.

"What?"

"You push me away every time I get close, I feel stupid and incompetent, Elio. I'm weak, when it comes to you, okay? Im a twig in a field of logs when it comes to you, do you get that? And when we sleep together, or simply kiss I feel so connected so I keep going but you insist on pushing me away, why?" He was looking at me now, his cigarette still between his fingers.

"I—I don't...I don't know," I stuttered and looked down.

"Are you scared of me?"

"No!" I almost yelled, "...no. I think I might be scared of...me. I'm scared I'm going to latch on too much or hard and then you'll get sick of me. I'm scared of how far I'm willing to go." I said all of this while just realizing everything I said in that moment, "and Ive never been ashamed. My parents had gay friends all my life, and they always treated them fairly. I've never seen anything wrong with them, they were normal. But I started going to school and...you know.
When I saw you though, I knew. I think for a moment I tried to bottle it, to ignore it. But I gave in quickly to my feelings and did things I'm not ashamed of.
I remember that day you left. I called my mom to pick me up and completely broke in front of her. I was so broken. That night I sat on the floor and thought that I'd never actually be good enough for you and I started to sob so hard I had to cover my mouth so my parents wouldn't hear. They always told me to never go back to the person that hurt you, but goddamnit, I'll always choose you Oliver.
So yeah, I think I want you."

He was silent now. Quiet and confused, "why do you love me that much? I don't want you too Elio. I don't want you to hurt that bad when I leave."

"I don't think that's really something I can control. Your perfect," I laughed, "Your the perfect embodiment of a man. You have zero flaws."

"Don't say that—"

"I just did," I tried to walk off but he grabbed my wrist before I could go very far

"Wait." He looked into my eyes, "let's go somewhere."

•

We had taken the rental car he had bought with Lisa before everything happened. It was weird to think of a time before Oliver, even before Lisa. It was like all of my past memories, my first piano lesson, when I broke my toe, when I first started secondary schooling, everything was just a figment of my imagination and I really didn't start living until Oliver came.

He had explained to me when we got in the car that my mother wanted to see the statue and that Lisa wanted to go also, so they all went together in my parents car to the site and that they probably won't be back for a while seeing they just left.

The car ride for the most part was silent. The radio played lowly and I shifted in my seat some but other than that; quiet. I was uncomfortable, I didn't like the sudden quiet Oliver and I had stumbled upon. What happened to our conversations?

"Oliver?"

"Hm?" He cocked his head towards me lightly, keeping his eyes on the road.

"Where are we going?"

"To town. I saw that there was a band playing in the square tonight, thought it might be fun."

"Fun." I lingered on the word before saying, "anyone I'll recognize?"

"Nah, i didn't recognize them. They're either a exclusive Italian band or some local kids, either way I think it will be nice."

•

Once we arrived in the small town of crema mostly inhabited by people over 60 I saw about 200 people that looked between my age and Oliver's. I was impressed, I had never seen any of these faces in this small town I visit so often.

We got out of the car and pushed our way through the crowded streets. Oliver had asked around a bit to see when the band will start and got answers between 9:30 and 10:15. I checked my watch and it read 9:00 so either way, we had the time for a drink.

I suggested this idea and Oliver perked up immediately, "Yes!" Was his words to be exact. I smiled at the sudden optimism and led him to a corner bar.

We pushed, yet again, through the streets to get to the bar. Once we made it out of the square and turned the corner to the bar it looked like a completely different place. There were zero people walking the street, you could never guess the crowd just around the corner.

I smiled at the vacancy because I wanted to be alone with Oliver really. I didn't want a pool of people into be around us just me and him...and some bartenders.

We walked into the empty bar and sat ourselves. The unamused bartender walked up to us wiping off a empty glass with a white rag, "ciao, im antonio, cosa posso portarti?" (Hello I'm Antonio what can I get you?) he said in a monotone voice, obviously tired from his day.

"Ehi, ne prenderò uno Spritz Veneziano," (hey I'll take one Spritz Veneziano) I looked over at Oliver to see him staring at my soul.

"Oliver?" I snapped him out of his trance.

"The same," he quickly looked at the bartender. The guy I knew as Antonio cocked his head to the side, not understanding the English so I translated, "lui avrà lo stesso" (he'll have the same)

Antonio smiled and left to make our drinks. I could feel Oliver's Stare so I looked over to him, "you alright?"

"Fuck Elio," he laughed and dropped his gaze to the floor, "you amaze me every time you open your goddamn mouth."

I didn't know what to say, why the sudden admiration? "What?" I laughed.

"You always know what to say. I don't know i just think it's pretty cool," he shrugged and dropped the subject.

"So, hows the sculpture coming along? I haven't gotten any recent updates."

"Fine, some guy who didn't know what he was going broke one of her fingers but they say we can repair it."

"Oh that sucks. But it's good you can fix it," I smiled.

"Yeah," he sighed a looked at the bartender, longing for his drink.

"So, ehm," I cleared my throat, "Are you still staying?"

He paused for a moment then spoke, "what makes you think I'm not?"

"Um, well I dunno. We just haven't talked in a while I guess, so I don't know if you still wanted to carry out your plan."

"I still have full intentions on staying. But you have to understand, I still have to go home and gather all my things and get some legal things taken care of...Elio that could take months." He sighed and looked to me.

"Right..." I lingered, "what if...what if I went with you?" I offered and thought of my mothers words from a few nights before:

letting go of your current life by accepting your pain as you create a new atmosphere for yourself where your less likely to be hurt. Where your more likely to fill your emptiness with things that are healthy for you.

•

Oops this chapter sucks lmao

<33

Xoxo