Stupid Dreamers

Chapter 11: Regret

Chapter 11: Regret

I regretted the words as soon as they slipped out of my mouth. God I wish he didn’t hear me, because of course I was thinking that and I didn’t mean to say it out loud. I just burst with anger, rage, and maybe it’s good that I got that off my chest.  But I’ve never told anyone that. I’ve came close to telling the paps to fuck off, but I knew I couldn’t be rude to them. They’d at least catch it on camera and worsen my already awful reputation.

I thought I’d feel nothing but confident when I yelled at Harry like that, but all I felt right now was guilt, remorse, and of course the dreaded regret that I shouldn’t be feeling.  Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I stomped down the street. I had no idea where I was but I didn’t care at the moment. I threw my leftover coffee in a garbage can along the way, unable to drink or eat anything else right now.

I wanted to get out of London and go back home to Los Angeles, even if it meant ending up in another endless argument with Rick.

Maybe I meant the ‘I wish you never came into my life’ part because that was 100% true. I wouldn’t be dealing with him if I never met him.  Rick and I would stand in a better relationship.  Maybe I would’ve met Harry in a different way. No, that doesn’t make sense. I want him out of my life forever and now I can’t do anything about it because now this continuous drama between us has erupted.

Wiping the tears off my cheek with the sleeve of my sweater, I pull my phone out of my pocket and unlock it to reveal at least five unread messages from Rick.  He and Harry were the last people I wanted to talk to right now, so I decided to not even read them. He and I would have to make things up once I got back to Los Angeles. He was going to wait and I didn’t care if he wouldn’t. I was starting to get sick of him too.  

A thought popped into my head, that maybe I should just turn around and run back to Harry, apologizing over and over again until he forgives me so we can just get out of each other’s lives. But that sounded absurd in my head. Even though I had the tiny urge to do just that, I couldn’t.  I wasn’t going to break first. I wasn’t going to give up just like that. Harry and I were in some sort of fame competition and I wanted to beat him at his own game, no matter what it takes.  

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Harry’s P.O.V.

“She said what?” Louis asks, still laughing his head off. I for one found nothing funny in this situation. He of course wanted to know why the hell I had a huge coffee stain on my shirt and everything that happened between Erin and I today just flooded out of my mouth. I actually couldn’t believe what Erin said after the words practically flew out of her mouth. I felt crushed, defeated, and that anything between us is never going to be fixed because of what she just said.  

“Louis, I just told you what happened and I’d rather not repeat myself,” I say, rolling my eyes. He stops laughing abruptly, but keeps that same smile on his face.

“Are you sure she meant it?” Niall asks from the living room, playing at least his second consecutive hour of FIFA.

“She meant it alright, should’ve seen her face,” I answer him, turning back to Louis who looks at me with a smirk from across the living room.  

“She fancies you and you know it,” He says.

“I’m pretty sure telling someone to fuck off doesn’t mean that someone fancies you,” I point out.  

“It might,” He says. “It just might,” I stand up from the chair.

“No it doesn’t Louis, stop saying that. Alright?” I yell. “Nothing’s ever going to be fixed between her and I. We’re stuck in this continuous cycle of arguing and it’s never going to end!”

“Harry,” Niall says, pausing his game to look up at me. “Yelling about it isn’t going to fix it,” I sigh.

“Sorry,” I mumble to him.

“Well, do you want to fix things?” Louis asks. I shake my head.

“I don’t know, maybe I do maybe I don’t but she obviously doesn’t want to,” I say.

“Okay, Harry,” Louis says calmly, holding his hands up. “To be honest, I really think you need to make things right with Erin,” I want to say something but he continues to talk.

“I also think that she regrets what she said to you,”

“But-“

“Harry let me finish,” He says with a frown. “No matter what she says or how it gets to you, you need to be the bigger person here. You don’t have to be friends or anything, but you need to make things right before she goes home. She’s got a lot on her plate and you’re not making it better, so just relieve the stress off of things and forget everything she said to you. Then go, and fix everything.”

I hate to admit it, but Louis was right. I should be the bigger person in this situation and make things right between Erin and I. Then we can just get out of each other’s lives and be done with this nonstop arguing that does no good for either of us.  I just had to find out how and when I could do so.

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Right when I walked into my front door, the urges started coming on really strong. Everything that happened today started playing in my head like a sad, slow, and depressing movie. From arguing to Rick to spilling coffee on Harry, it was all too much to think about and all I wanted was relief. So that’s exactly what I got.

Sweet, bloody, relief.

I only slit about four cuts on my wrist that I instantly covered up with bandages.  They looked about the same as all the other ones, so they’ll be easy to explain to Parker when he has to cover them up for the photo shoot tomorrow.

What was nice right now was the silence that was surrounding me while I sat on the cold tiles in the bathroom.  Sometimes, after interviews or movie premieres, my house gets swarmed with fans, haters, reporters, and of course the fucking paparazzi. They don’t understand how celebrities want a normal life. That’s all I wanted anyways.  Don’t get me wrong, I love acting in movies and everything, but the famous life gets old real fast. So after I cleaned up the blood, I decided to enjoy the silence of my house and do something normal and relaxing for once.

I ended up spending the day watching Friends reruns on my TV since I was too lazy to actually do anything else.  So there I lie on my couch in an old t-shirt and grey sweatpants, my hair disgruntled and my makeup smearing down my cheeks due from the crying. I had no energy to actually fix my appearance. Nobody was going to see me anyways, so why bother?

Why bother. Why should I bother with anything anymore? I was a complete mess that pushed away the hands that wanted to help me because I didn’t want their help. They couldn’t do anything, fix anything that was going on in my life.  Rick hates me. Harry hates me. The entire world hates me. I’m barely ever noticed in movies because I’m always the antagonist that murders everyone. I’m thought badly of because I practically am an antagonist in real life and everywhere I go. I intentionally kill myself everyday trying to keep up with the world. I cut and cut and cut and it only brings temporary relief. I have severe OCD that should keep anyone away from me anyways because no one could handle it anyways. Maybe I should just give up. Stop trying to fix things, trying to sew up the fabric of the past. Stop trying to please people, because it never works. I’m never going to win an Oscar or a golden globe or anything like that, so why even bother? I should end it all. I need to end it all. I felt the awful urge to just end it all.

But for some reason, every time I tried, I knew that I just couldn’t do it.

A.N: Sorry for the very short, slow, and depressing chapter. But I promise there's so much to come, so thanks for sticking with me and reading up to here. Have you guys heard A Little Bit of Your Heart by Ariana Grande? It just came out today, and it's the song that Harry wrote for her to sing and it's so beautiful that he needs to do a cover of it. Check it out, and may the odds be ever in your favor! -CookieKrumm