Stupid Dreamers

Chapter 15: One Less Problem

Chapter 15: Ups and Downs

This week has been a complete roller-coaster for me.  As I go up the steep hill, I’m arguing with Rick and handling hate and of course the urges to cut and clean something pop into my mind. But once I’m going down the hill, I’m thinking about how Saturday Night Live will go and how much fun it should be for me. And since you’re probably wondering, the musical guest that will be performing on my episode will be the Arctic Monkeys. So yes, I’m quite happy about that and can’t wait to get to it.

I needed to fly out to New York in two days in order to start pitching ideas and writing the scripts and such to get ready for the show. I was pumped and really excited to get going with this, because I knew it was going to be a great time.  Everyone I’ve watched on that show has always had fun with it and made it memorable, so I’m glad that I get to be a part of this amazing experience as well.

But today wasn’t a day of excitement for me.  It was actually both a little tense and pressuring to me right now. Powell and Carter took me out to for a late-night dinner to discuss our plans in New York.  Other than Saturday Night Live, there really wasn’t much else we were doing. I’d love to just stay and shop on 5th Avenue or go to a Broadway show, but I needed to start memorizing my lines for ‘Caught in the Mist’ so I’d be ready to film.  I can’t have any distractions while I’m doing this movie; I have to be focused.

Yet today I wasn’t focused, because there I sat at the table, trying to listen intently on what Powell was saying but instead I’m using my fingernail to scrub some small brown specks off the end of my fork. It was really bothering me and all I could do right now was focus on removing them so I could actually eat the perfectly made salad in front of me. Everything on the side with a bowl of lettuce, just how I like it.

“Erin?” Powell questions. I stop rubbing my fingernail against the fork and look up at him with raised eyebrows.

“Yes?” I ask.

“I just asked if you were going to pitch in any sketch ideas when we get to New York. We leave in two days you know,” I look back down at my uneaten salad.

“Yeah, yes I-I’m fully aware of that,” I say, noticing a small black spot on the knife. My fingernail draws itself toward it and immediately starts scrubbing as I use my other hand to carefully align the fork with the edge of the plate. Why I was suddenly feeling the OCD urge was really starting to bug me; it made me have a feeling that something bad was going to happen or something bad is happening. It was stressing me out right now and all I could feel was the warmth of the lights forming beads of sweat on my head and my stomach clenching because of lack of food.

“Erin are you alright?” Carter asks concerned. I wipe the sweat off my forehead and look up at Powell and her, giving me worried glances.  I nod and give them a fake smile.

“Yeah um, just a little hot. Do you- do you guys think we can meet up later to talk about the trip? I’m just trying to-“ I say shakily, unable to answer anymore. I stand up from the table and grab my purse, quickly walking away from them and out the door into a light drizzle dripping from the skies. Great, getting wet, that’s the last thing I needed. I debated whether to walk home, but I decided against it and hopped into my car instead.

The drive home was silent except for my racing thoughts and my heart pounding out of my chest.  I should’ve taken my salad. I should’ve asked for a box. I shouldn’t have left just like that.  Now Carter and Powell are probably worried about me, and I can’t just blame this on stress. I can’t blame that on anything, because you may think that you have special privileges when you’re a celebrity, but you really don’t. You get the short end of the stick in some situations too.