Stupid Dreamers

Chapter 9: Lingering Thoughts

I warn you guys, and I'll be honest. I'm not sure how it works or how it can do this, but there might be a triggering moment in this chapter. Just skip ahead if you don't want to read it. 

I’ll be honest with you. Watching yourself have sex on a gigantic movie screen in front of your cast, crew, and other celebrities is pretty awkward and very embarrassing. When I’m trying to look at something other than the screen, I see Pearce look at me and shoot me a thumbs up. (Guess who I was having sex with) Yeah that’s not awkward at all. It did make me chuckle a little and return the gesture. It’s amazing how casual he can be about it, especially when he’s dating Olivia right now. She’s probably as uncomfortable as I am, especially when I’m sitting right next to her.  

That was the one scene that got my mind off of Harry and I’s earlier conversation. I don’t think I can even call what we said to each other a conversation. What we were having was different. I couldn’t even call it a simple argument because it was way more complicated than that.

What really surprised me was that he was the one who started it.  Usually I’m the one to sneak up on him and throw a rude comment about his personality or fame at him. Then he’ll throw something back and it goes just like that until our blood is boiling and we’re both about to tear each other apart. Not that complicated, but his comments from tonight really hurt. I couldn’t even believe he could say all that.

I tried to focus on my surroundings and the events happening around me through the night, but even at the cast and crew-only after party, I couldn’t keep a hold of a simple conversation.  It wasn’t like anyone was dying to talk to me anyways. I just stood around in a much comfier black and white cocktail dress and my hair let down, gripping onto my fourth glass of champagne and leaning my back on the counter of the bar. I was feeling a bit tipsy, but not enough to forget tonight’s earlier events.

Let’s just say that after everything was over, my mind was clouded with both alcohol and all the conversations I had earlier this evening. When Powell dropped me off, he made sure to tell me to get some sleep because we had some event going on tomorrow. Honestly, I just wanted to shop or something, but I could handle another event.

After I hung my dress and put my shoes away, I changed into a tank top and shorts. Then I went into my bathroom and locked the door, where I finally had some privacy to let all of my emotions out. My fingers grabbed onto the edge of the counter as I screamed at myself in the mirror. Tears starting stinging my eyes and streaming down my cheeks. My makeup starting to join my tears, making me look like a real monster.  I grabbed a tissue and started wiping it off. I didn’t want to cover up anymore, I was sick of it.

I had this pounding headache that would probably last until tomorrow and the urge to smash the mirror in. The shouts and compliments from the fans and my cast from earlier this evening faded away, leaving me with only the thoughts of Harry Styles’ comments about me lingering in my head. The urge of relief came on fast and I didn’t even try to hide it. I open one of my drawers and pull out an unused razor. I sunk down onto the floor, propping myself up in front of the counter and shakily reaching my hand toward my thigh. I had to do this, it was the only way to make me feel better about myself.  

I hate him. I hate what he said about me. I hated how he talked about me in that way.  I hated how I knew that someone would probably find an excuse to write a bad article about me on how I looked or how I acted tonight. I hate myself. I hate myself. I fucking hate myself. I let the blade slide lightly across my thigh and watch as a small cut forms with blood starting to drip on the tile. It was painful alright, but it instantly made me feel the sweet relief I’d been longing for.

Sometimes I don’t know whether to laugh or pity you.

Slit.

I haven’t seen anyone here as made up and fake-looking as you are right now.