I wake up still in Ethan's arms but I note he's changed and it's 10:22 a.m. the next morning.
Did I sleep all day and night?
Ethan shifts and groans opening his eyes.
"Ethan?" I whisper and he nods gently releasing me and rolling into a sitting position, his legs kicked over the side of the bed.
"Did I sleep all day?"
"And night." He says nodding.
"Wow."
"How are you feeling?" He asks
"Refreshed, but still tired."
"Yeah, you'll probably be tired for a few more days."
"How bad was it?"
"Really bad." He says looking over at me.
"I'm sorry." I whisper.
"You need to stop apologizing to me."
"But I know this isn't how you want to be spending the week of Christmas. With a sleep deprived mommy and a sick little girl." I whisper and he moves back onto the bed and faces me.
"I chose to stay with you guys, because I wanted to. You have forced me to do nothing." He says and I nod slowly.
"Did you stay all night with me?"
"And all day." He says
"Like I asked." I whisper
"You remember that?"
"Of course I do." I whisper and he sighs pulling me against his chest.
"I know this is hard Olivia, but please never do that to yourself again. You are no good to Josie, if you are sick and out of it." He whispers and I nod moving just slightly back so I can look up at him.
"You are so good to me, and Josie. Caring, kind." I whisper
"I care for you both, deeply." He says and I smile gently.
"There's your beautiful smile. Haven't seen it in a while." He whispers pushing hair behind my ears.
"I owe you so-
"No, you owe me nothing. Nothing." He says cutting me off and a tear falls down my cheek.
"I'm so scared." I say, finally getting it off my chest.
"I'm terrified." I sob out and he hushes me; holding me as I shake and cry.
"I know, but you're not alone in this." He says and I nod slowly pulling back, just imagining the snotty hot sobbing mess I look.
"Take a shower, change into fresh clothes. Stay home for one more night, your parents are with Josie and Alex will be stopping by here later to check on you. They are here to help."
"And you?" I whisper
"I'm not going anywhere." He whispers and I nod slowly climbing off the bed and looking over at him. He nods me on and I walk into the bathroom and turn on the shower water. Slowly I take off my clothes and go to take off my bra and underwear but pause as I catch sight of myself in the mirror. I look so unhealthy, so entirely and completely unhealthy; so weak. I'm weak.
Suddenly my knees give and I crumble to the ground; all sorts of emotions and pain crashing through me.
I can't do this. I can't do this.
"Olivia?" I hear from the other side of the door and when I don't answer, the door flies open.
"Olivia." He breathes squatting before me as I just stare at him, not even at him, but like- through him. How can he want to be around someone like me.
"Olivia." He whispers and I force myself to focus in on him.
"I can't do this." I whisper out loud and he slowly lifts me up, pulling his shirt over his head and putting it on me. I feel like such a child, having to have him dress me, but I literally just can't do anything. First Shane, then Josie, and now me, I'm losing sight of myself and the mother I am supposed to be. I'm supposed to always protect and take care of my child, she shouldn't be so close to death with me in her life, she shouldn't be hardly keeping her head above water. She should be home making Christmas cookies, watching Christmas lights! Dancing and singing, decorating the house, making ornaments, playing with other children! She should not sitting in a tiny hospital bed waiting on a liver transplant that could never come. She should not be suffering, she should not be losing her childhood. I've- I've failed her. I couldn't protect her.
"Yes you can." He whispers and I look up at him.
"No." I say then walk by him and out into the main room.
~~~~~
