Two days later and I stand in the corner fingering my pendant and watching Josie sleep. The nurses had to tell me they still hadn't found a transplant; that she was getting too weak anyways. If they couldn't find one in the next two days max, her body wouldn't be able to handle the surgery required for the transplant. I thought it was impossible to have cried as much as I had those two hours ago, when they told me we needed to start planning for the worst, and they had to put in a request to hasten my daughter's death by stopping treatment and putting her under high sedation. She won't wake back up.
Josie hardly smiles anymore, barely lifts her head as I or anyone else walk into the room. She's given up. She knows that she's dying. She's heard the whispers and seen our tears. She knows it and I know she's terrified. Christmas is only two days away, and the nurses have now said that she's not going to be able to go home for Christmas. When I told her, the last bit of hope that existed within her disappeared. Now she's just empty and it kills me to see such a ray of light be so dim and broken.
I go to leave the room and pause as she rolls over and opens her eyes.
"Mommy?" Her voice cracks, her dried lips barely able to form the words anymore.
"Hi baby." I whisper walking over to her and taking her hand in mine. I can feel every vein under her skin and it takes everything in me to not lose it, as I stare at her colorless face and dulling eyes.
"Have they found a liver for me?" She asks and I hold back tears as I shake my head.
"No baby, I'm sorry they haven't." I whisper and she nods.
"Am I going to be alive to see Christmas?" She whispers and I bite my lip.
"I don't know." I whisper and see tears shining in her eyes.
"Why is this happening to me?" She asks and when I realize I don't have an answer for her, I lose it, tears falling down my cheeks.
"Because baby, sometimes things just happen and we have to learn to live with them."
"But I thought I was a good person. I didn't think bad things happened to good people."
"Oh baby." I whisper as she slowly looks up.
"You are such an amazing little girl. You are so beautiful and talented and strong and kind. You are so good and so pure, but sadly, that doesn't always promise you a tomorrow. Sometimes things happen unexpectedly, and I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. You don't deserve this, and I wish I could make it better, and I wish I could make it go away, but I can't." I say, my voice breaking.
"It's not fair."
"No it's not baby." I whisper tucking hair behind her ear.
"Can I ask you something mommy?" She whispers
"Of course baby, anything." I whisper and she nods.
"Will I see daddy in heaven?" She asks and I swallow down the lump in my throat.
"Yes, he's up there watching you right now. Waiting to hold you again." I whisper.
"What's heaven like?" She asks and I shake my head as the door slowly opens and our nurse walks in.
"I think- I think I can help with that." She whispers and I nod as she walks over, Ethan coming in behind her. She unhooks Josie from the machines and helps her out of the bed. My baby shakes as she walks and my heart breaks even more as the nurse takes her over to a chair and sits her down, sure she's facing away from Ethan and I.
"Heaven is a beautiful place with skies so blue and clouds so puffy and white. You will be protected and loved so so much. When you go to heaven though, it's going to be like this, you won't be able to see your mommy, but she will always be there."
"Will mommy be able to see me?" She asks and I lose it as Ethan pulls me tight against his chest.
"No Josie, your mother will not be able to see you." She whispers and I'm just torn.
"Will mommy be able to hear me?" She asks and I force myself to watch the nurse take Josie's hands in hers.
"Why don't you ask her?" She whispers.
"Mommy, can you hear me?"
"Yes baby." I breathe out.
"What about Ethan?"
"Loud and clear." He says
"You see, just because they can't see you, doesn't mean they won't be able to hear you and you hear them." The nurse says and I sob again.
"Mommy, don't cry. It'll be okay." Josie says and I blink looking over at the nurse and my daughter.
"Will it hurt?" Josie asks and the nurse smiles gently then shakes her head.
"It'll be like you just fell asleep for a really really long time."
"But I won't wake up?"
"No Josie, you won't."
~~~~~~~~
