October is when I lost my best friend, November is the month when I had my biggest moment of clarity yet, December is when I lost it all- when I lost it all.
I lost the love of my life of Dec. 15th. I don't tell anyone though. I haven't told a single soul. She tried finding the love I had- we had again; just as I had started giving up trying to do the same. We talked not long before she died. I knew what she had in her heart, and where her heart was going. It was only a matter of time. I love her. I loved her dearly. But the disorder we've had in our short time- I can't help but believe that there is, indeed, some type of game, some type of higher power is at work. EVEN if, said higher power is just the chaos of our universe- even if its just the nature of our reality.
She committed suicide... After saying she would be taking another man's hand.
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I was about to lose my best friend, a dog I had since my mother remarried. I prayed to God, knowing she was taking her last breaths. I looked up to a full moon in tears and prayed for something that made no real sense. The next day, my dog- she was more energized than I'd seen her in years. She had another time and a half before she died, peacefully, and under great care that final day she had. Her death and the time she died meant something tragic for me.
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I found darkness and shadows in my dreams. I was imposed, violated, and deeply perturbed. I cowered, I lost my strength, I lost my love that year, I lost my sight of everything... I ran.
I found myself drowning, I found myself healing, and I found myself drowning again... I kept running, trying to buy the time needed to recover.
I saw something that changed my life, I felt the wind speak to me through the brown eyes of another- seeming love of my life; she could've passed for her sister.
I felt a spark, I fell again, I crawled, and I succumbed, and when I admitted defeat, and all failures I've had along the way- I saw signs, I felt something comforting in all the chaos- a peace, a melody; I felt in sync, and I felt harmony.
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I believe in something along the lines of omens, along the lines of signs, and along the sides of khaos. And I believe in a simple human truth; harmony. I believe in destiny, I believe in choice, I believe in the chaos in of harmony, and the harmony in of chaos.
If there is a plan, a destiny, and a universal madness to it all, I know within all I am- all I ever will be, or may never be. I'll see her again. And I'll be happy- just for a little while longer. Even if its just, for one single moment.
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Compass (2018)
Random"Fate, is nothing other than the allowance, and passing, of your present circumstantial reality to dictate all potential future outcomes." - Me, myself and I.
