Instinct Released (Ichigo X Hichigo) EDITING

Chapter Nineteen

His face was unreadable. Whatever he was feeling or thinking he showed zero signs of any of it. So naturally I was killing myself in my mind as my face revealed the unreadable. Nether one of us wanted to show how the other felt. It was like waiting for something to snap under the pressure and crumble with the new found knowledge in the air. But we weren't going to break easily, we both have been through a lot even if I don't know Shiro's back story. Both of us know how to keep a front to cover the war in our minds. The only time the debris of the battle would show was when we were alone. If he truly cared, he would allow me to see the may-ham and chaos and let me help rebuild what has been lost or damaged. The hard part is doing the same in return.

Am I ready to speak of the battle that I deal with every fiber my being goes through. How can I even say them all without falling apart about living through it again. Seeing death again in those eyes that used to be inspirational of living on in a cruel world. Am I prepared to burden another life with problems they don't need nor have to deal with. If so however, will he do the same.

We stood there, waiting for the perfect moment to express all thoughts of one another. I already went and ending with a statement no one in this room should take lightly. What I said I meant, but that doesn't mean I am completely fine now. He hasn't responded leaving me to believe I realized way to late in the game for it to matter anymore. Why the hell did it have to take me this long to finally understand why I was so flustered at the most simplest things he did? God I'm really a dumb ass aren't I.

"King," he spoke softly, catching my attention that filled hope in my heart, "I know. What the fuck do you think I've been trying to tell you?"

He really couldn't have said that in a different way. At least give me some kind of pat on the back for pouring my heart out for you. He should know how hard that is for me to do this! Who the hell knows when my feelings truly started, I just finally started to notice when I was forced to hang around him in my 'normal' life. Seriously if I tried to care about what it meant sooner all this heart ache would have been a little easier. Maybe even the truth would have came a little sooner too.

Then out of all my distress, warmth was wrapped around me like a blanket shield. It took me off guard how gentle Shiro brought me into his soft embrace. He just allowed me to rest my forehead in his shoulder, while letting me grip the back of his leather jacket to at least satisfy some of my frustration.

Why does my first real crush have to be so fucking complicated? Someone should have told me more than just love was involved. Hell Im still not prepared what is going to come out of our... relationship. God what the hell are we. This is more than just a welder and zanpakuto, and a hell a lot more complicated than 'friend-enemies'.

I didn't even realize myself tighten my hug around Shiro, and he didn't say a thing. He just kept me in his warmth, allowing me to finally begin to release what I have been keeping in for too long.

"DAMN IT!!!" Is all I could say, making Shiro feel the need to comfort me by tightening his embrace.

"Yah I know, I kinda went through a fit in your inner world when this mush started messing with me; however, being out here with you is only making this stronger." He spoke so sanely that it made me want to believe that he had these emotions and they weren't just another lie. "Look I know you didn't ask for this to happen and I know your going through a lot, so if you want I could lend a hand on what you are going through. But in the mean time, what do you want me to be?"

I froze.

What do I want to be? I wasn't prepared for that question. Hell I didn't even think that I had a choice of what I want. For some reason, that just felt nice to hear in the moment, but my answer of what I want can never leave my lips. If he truly is just acting, then I shouldn't give him more ammunition. But I couldn't bring myself to lie to him, not after all I have been through he shouldn't also get into this mess who was truly loyal and a friend. So without saying what I wanted, I told him the next best thing.