𝖜𝖎𝖘𝖍 𝖎 𝖜𝖆𝖘 𝖍𝖊𝖗𝖊 [p.m]

𝖙𝖍𝖎𝖗𝖙𝖊𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖍

Austin's POV

We are in the car, quietly. Just us, the road and the star of my Rolls Royce. It's too quiet. It feels so strange like there is some kind of tension between us. But I didn't do anything bad. I think. 

I felt so easily in love with her, so of course, I'm being awkward, kind, caring, I mean like I try my best to please her. I love her, I want her to see how good I can be. Obviously, I'm shy when I'm with her, I can't talk about everything I usually talk about with my friends.

But why am I even trying? She's still in a relationship. She still loves that motherfucker. I hate him. I hate him for taking the girl I love and making her sad. I hate him for cheating on her. I hate him for being such a bad boyfriend.

What am I even saying? Do I know anything about their relationship besides this? No. So shut up Austin. Maybe he's a really great person. Maybe he's a funny man. Maybe he takes care of Dot. Maybe he's not a bad boyfriend. 

We arrive at the restaurant I wanted to take her to. It was the fanciest you can find in LA, the best, the cutest, the everything you want-est. She looks at it like it was some kind of castle. I smile, obviously, I mean she's just like so cute. 

I see Andrew, one of my friends. I shake his hands, saying hello, and hand him my key for him to park my car. Oh yeah, everyone here is pretty much my friends.

I mean friends, more like people I know. I don't have that many friends tho, I'm afraid they're all there just for the money you know. Being famous, being rich, being recognize, all of this. It's not as great as it seems. I'm not like fucking happy as fuck, I'm... sad. I'm lonely.

I mean I was. Now Dot is here, she's pretty much saving me from all of these bullshit of "I'm so lonely", "I'm sad", "No one like me for who I am". I know she likes me for being the funny guy I was in high school, and hopefully for who I actually am.

We enter the restaurant and face the waiter, smiling at me, guiding through the best table of all the restaurant. He kept it for me, awesome.

I wanted it to be perfect, like the jazzy background music, the table right next to the huge window, everything is so cliché and so perfect. I couldn't think of better.

I look at her, feeling my heart racing on my chest, fuck what are you doing Austin? I can't help but look at her.

Her curvy body in this red dress, it's the right one. It's perfect. She looks perfect. It's too perfect, it can't be real. Am I dreaming? I feel like I'm dreaming. 

We're spending an amazing night, although I see that it's not her kind of restaurant, it's not her kind of life. She's more.. Typical. More basic. Maybe this is too much.

She wanted to take a walk before going home, so we're walking down the street of this fancy street. She's walking with her heels on her hand, something I never really understand. We stop by a pub, something more familiar she said. It was really different, obviously.

We are both really drunk, dancing on the street of Los Angeles, laughing, singing, and eventually falling. And god knows how we end up close to each other, like really close, while falling. I hate being that clumsy. 

What the hell am I doing?

Kiss her Austin!

No don't

Fuck yes, do it! It the perfect moment!

No, don't!

Two voices fighting in my head to know whether or not I'll end up kissing her, even tho I already know the outcome. This moment felt like ages, it was unfinishable. I felt her warm breath caressing my lips, I want it.

I want it more than anything, more than never. I want to take hers and smash them softly against mine. I want to feel her beautiful rosy lips on mine, I want her to want me, I want this. I need this.

I've been thinking too much, she clears her throat and rise. Fuck Austin, you've made it awkward. She smiles and takes my hand to go home. Oh yeah, our car is still at the restaurant...

The way home is as quiet as the way to the restaurant was. But the atmosphere was different. Like if something was wrong. Is something wrong?

We stop at a red light, and nothing. Just the sound of the car and the low sound of the radio. It was Africa by Toto, one of my favorite song. 

"I love this song." she says, looking down. Why is she looking down? I mean, at least we start a conversation. I'm happy she's not mad at me. I couldn't deal with that, to be honest. "My dad and I used to sing this often before the divorce.." FUCK THE DIVORCE. I forgot about it!

"Oh fuck.. I'm sorry.." I say, changing the song. I'm so dumb. I forgot the divorce, I forgot about her dad, I forgot about all of this.. Austin you're so stupid.

"It's alright! I guess I've made peace with it. It's just.. I feel.. It brings back memories." I guess I wasn't so stupid then. Or maybe it's bad memories? No, no she loved her time with her dad so it can't be bad memories.

"Thank you." she says. "Thank you for this night, for the dress, the restaurant, you didn't have to make all of that. But you did, and this is what I love with you. So.. Thanks."

I look at her, wanting to kiss her so much. Our faces are getting closer, my eyes are closing, I'm going to do it. I'm so close to doing it.

We got cut by the horn of the car behind us, fuck, green light. I make a middle finger through my window and take the steering wheel. Fucking road.

We are home, tired and still drunk. Should I tell her that I love her? I mean I'm drunk so maybe she'll think I'm kidding. I hope she'll. But should I?

No Austin, don't. If she takes it seriously it would be the end of you two. 

What am I talking about? Us two? Like there's an us. No, not for her. There is no us, at least not in the way I want it to be. 

There's no us. So why would it end? What am I thinking? She doesn't love me. I should forget her. But how can I forget someone living with me?

I'm maybe afraid of losing her as a friend. I don't want to ruin our friendship because of my feelings. Yeah, you're right Austin. Keep it for you, lie to yourself, tell you that you don't love her anyway, it's just a phase.

A phase that lasts since high school. A long phase. A really, really, really long phase. And a hurtful phase. Fuck yeah, it hurt.

I thought I forgot her when I was with Ashlen, but it turns out I still loved her. I thought I loved Ashlen. No, I tried to but no, I loved Dot.

So what am I doing right now? Sit next to her, drunk, telling her something like "Hey, I love you." and continue our life? No. No, we can't. I mean no, I can't.

Oh, Dot, I love you so much if only you knew. But you can't, because I can't fucking say it. I'm so pussy. I'm so.. weak.

I go to the kitchen and open a bottle of vodka, drinking it so I can't think properly, and hopefully, I'll have a blackout. Hopefully, I'll forget about this, I'll forget how much of a failure I am.

"I'm going to bed. I'm like so tired. You have no idea." She says, coming to me. She kisses my cheek, which made me smile. She licks her lips, her beautiful, rosy lips. I'm so drunk. 

Dot what are you doing? What are you making me doing? I took her cheeks and kiss her.

What.

Austin.

What are you doing?

hi!
i wanted to post this before 2019, happy new year!
i hope you liked it!
kisses,
Paupie.