What's In My Head

No Love

No one loves me, well….
That's a lie everyone I have in mind loves me…
Just not all of me…
No one gives me a chance or…
No one accepts me for me…
Would be a more truthful statement…

I would do anything for my boyfriend i swear, but there are some things that I can't do. He doesn't want me to hurt myself but what else am I going to do, I can't be fully happy, I don't have anyone to talk to, no one can relate to anything I'm going through, no one is doing anything to make me feel like I'm worth it. He just doesn't understand how much his validation means to me. When he said what he did i was going to walk to the bathroom and cut myself until I split a vein, I wanted to die - I still do - he made me feel like even more of a freak for wanting to be happy. He said he loved my feminine body, I do too but it's one of the reason I keep getting hurt and who knows if something worse could happen. I love my womanly body but it just doesn't feel like it's mine. There are times where i feel so detached from my body that I would want to take a spoon and scoop my ovaries out and use a rusty knife to cut off my breast. Only if he knew how much mental and emotional pain I was in. Last week I carved freak, monster, fat and ugly into my thigh as the words that described me best.

Every fucking person who knows about my problem has made me feel invalid, unaccepted and unwanted, as if i were the living embodiment of a disgusting sin. My best friends make it all seem trivial, like "oh your brain doesn't match your body…cool." Sometimes I hate them so much but at the end of the day I might not have survived grade 9 and 10 without them. They are the only people who know how to make me instantly happy and make me feel at home. I love my boyfriend but if he has a problem with me being me and happy I don't think I can handle that.

                                 Average nobody