What's In My Head

Flashback

While I was sitting in my dirty bathtub listening to Aurora's runaway on repeat I couldn't help but think about how tired I am. It was so hard for me to get up and take a shower I felt so completely dead on the inside.

Thoughts of how unimportant, unwanted, uncared for and unacknowledged I am by the people in my life. Strangely enough my boyfriend has shown me more emotions and love than I expected, but he doesn't understand me and the pain I feel yet again we've only been together for more than a month so I shouldn't have too many expectations of him.
the cold water runs down my head onto my body transferring to a warmer temperature due to my high body heat flashbacks of the first massive depressive episode that my family has ever seen…i was sitting on my bed in the living room after a bad day at school being left to deal with my emotions, my grandmother walks out to check on the whaling noises coming from the living room to find me rumbling under my breath crying my heart out, she asks if something was wrong with me and  as usual I told her no I'm fine, for the first time she didn't believe me. Just then as my grandmother was drilling me with questions my mother came home to see me with a flood of tears on my face joining in on the questioning. When I finally got tired of hearing the same questions over and over again I chose to answer telling them all my thoughts which were nothing they expected. I - their perfect little girl - felt discomfort in my body and hated my gender. They were at a loss for words but they didn't care about it, they just brushed it off and told me to get over it. At this moment I was left to question 'did they hear a word I said', I just told them who much daily pain is caused because of my gender and body and they pretend like it was nothing. At that time I was also being bullied non-stop, which was weird to me because I always thought bullying was just one of those things that only existed in tv world but apparently not. So imagine being 13 everyday going to school where people called you names and walked over you and when you go home there isn't much change, you just feel less human and more like absolutely nothing.

                                Average nobody