What's In My Head

Welcoming Old Pain

I'm at this point too depressed to even want to breathe. My lungs burns with each intake of life. No matter how many times before I've wanted to die the need of death has never been this bad. It's not that I'm tired anymore, no I'm just not looking forward to being a complete disappointment and the dysphoria isn't making anything better for me. It seems crazy to me, she tried understanding me but she hasn't done anything to help. All the thoughts running around my head are slowly driving me closer to the edge of my sanity. Has anything changed since my first visit to the therapist…i wish, it would have made things easier but i've become too damaged to change. I can't play pretend anymore. I never planned to even tell anyone about it but I did and it felt amazing, like I had a reason to smile; but Marion loves taking my happiness from me. The first person to make me feel useless and unwanted, that shit seriously messes with a kid's head. She always thinks she knows a person more than they know themselves. I don't care if she raised me, if she was the mother I grew up with, if she worked her ass off, she freely stated she'd rather pack her bags and leave than meet the real me. I'm not afraid to bleed in front of her, I'm not afraid to show her what she has done to me. She can't see the pain through my eyes so I'll do anything to show her exactly how I feel, if it takes her finding my dead body in my room then so be it. I'm not going to pretend like I'm happy with her, if she tells me her bullshit again I'll leave. She doesn't want me she never wanted me, so she wouldn't care if the freak doesn't come home. I'm done with her. I rather being disowned than keeping my thoughts and feelings bottled up because of her.

                           
                                Average Nobody