Stay With Me [Joshler]

You Don't Have To Run

We laugh and sing together around the fire with me strumming away on my ukulele and a total overkill of marshmallows roasting on sticks over the dancing orange flames. I begin to feel lightheaded with the sugar and happiness not to forget the occasional swig from Josh's flask of unidentified alcohol. We slowly fade into the night as the fire dies down to a smoldering pile of glowing coals and even the stars had begun to flicker away.

****

We end up laying side by side with Josh on his back gazing up into the night sky and me on my side facing and watching him with my arm draped over his stomach. He was holding my hand and gently fiddling with my fingers and rubbing his thumb against my palm. I was tired and more than a little bit tipsy "Jishwa?" I drawl.

Staring up into the stars, the dark glow of the moon softly illuminating his face, he replies with a dreamy "Yeah Tyjo?"

"I love you."

My strongly stated words hang in the air while Josh turns his head to look at me confused for a moment before giggling it away "I love you too Ty." he chirps with a meaningful grin.

But he wasn't quite getting it. So I try again, the nervous adrenaline swirling in my stomach and swelling against my lungs "No. Josh." I inhale shallowly, trying to catch my shaking breath "I love you. I'm I-I think I'm in love with y-you." I shudder and stutter over the words, my face heating up, my stomach continuing to drop and twist. Josh retracts his hand from mine and I watch as his face falls to a blank, his eyes widen and mouth droops slightly ajar as he stares at me in the light of the dead fire, the glow of the moon and thousands of speckling stars shinning around us. I quickly back away from him, my heart hammering scarily in my chest and oxygen suddenly becoming difficult to grasp, I can feel tears welling up in my eyes. "Oh shit Josh I'm sorry. I ruined this didn't I? I ruined us? Freaking hell, I'm so sorry." I jump up, muttering apologies and curses and letting my feet carry me off as I retreat into the darkness of the forest and the shadows of my mind. I don't know what I'd ever do without Josh. I don't think I could keep up living without him. I can feel the scars along my forearms tingle and burn as I think of renewing them. Tears streak down my face, blurring my vision and making the stars stretch across the sky like sparkling diamonds.

"Tyler!" Josh yells, scrambling to his feet in a kick of dirty snow and dashing after me into the darkened woods.

It only takes him a moment before he's caught up with me and catches me by the shoulder, dragging me back with a jerk. I try and shrug him of angrily but he takes hold of my arm and pulls me to him, hugging me tightly. I squirm in his arms, thrashing and trying to break free "Leave me alone!" I scream at him.

"Don't leave me alone!" he yells in return, grabbing me by the biceps and pushing me back by the shoulders, stumbling the both of us back a few steps and pinning me against the trunk of a spruce tree, the rough bark scratching at my back even through my jacket. I freeze both stunned and winded from the impact, gaping for air that simply wasn't there. Josh lurches forwards, holding my head firmly in his hands and bracing his forearms against my shoulders, forcing me to look up at him, I grip at his forearms and make a weak attempt to push him away "Tyler" he starts softly, breathing in deep gulps of air. I brace myself for a guilty explanation of why he would never love me back "Tyler. You don't need to run, okay? Please. Please stay with me Ty."

I let out a small sob as he holds my head tightly between his hands, I can't accept or believe that he would want me to be around him right now. How could he possible stand being with me knowing how I feel? The mood changes suddenly as he moves his head forward hesitantly and my breath catches in my throat again, his face is hanging just in front of mine and I feel as if I could be sick with nerves. Our warm breath mingles between us as it fogs in the icy air and I can feel the cold seeping into my bones. We pause like this, hanging on the edge of something uncertain and new. He's so close and his eyes are dark and full of emotion and I can feel his leg brushing against mine and the heavy sent of snow and bark and dead leaves is so intense and my back hurts and my feet are cold and the world is so dark around us but the moon and stars are ripping holes of light in the blackness of the sky. I watch as Josh's cute pink tongue dart across his lips, my brain short wiring and blanking out momentarily before being shocked back to reality by the soft pressure of Josh's cold lips pressing against mine. Staring wide eyed and blankly ahead of me I can just about make out that his eyes have fluttered shut and realize his hands have fallen delicately to just under my jaw and on the sides of my neck. And that he's kissing me. Holy shit he's actually kissing me. And his lips are so soft and cold and gentle and determined. And my heart is beating like crazy and I feel sick but I also feel like I'm soaring and I'm high on some endless and mind boggling energy source which is making my chest contract with emotion and my heart swell with joy and - fricking hell I'm not kissing him back. I quickly screw my eyes shut and let my lips move with his, unsure of what to do with my arms hanging limply by my sides, I gingerly place them just above the waistband of his jeans. I feel his lips twitch up in a faint smile as he tilts my head up and to the side, slotting out mouths together perfectly and gliding his tongue hesitantly against my bottom lip making me recoil and grip the hem of his shirt in a fist.