When You Realize You've Become 'That Mom'...and What Comes Next

12

I'm brought back from my memories as I sat in my bedroom. I was about to be a Property Manager and while I wasn't quite yet who I wanted to become I was a little bit closer to finding that Cathy. 

I smiled at my reflection as I got dressed to face my first day. It was terrifying embarking on this new chapter. I was still overweight and I still battled with pain on a near daily basis. My emotions rolled off of me and some days were harder than others. 

Realizing that my mother-in-law had given me a gift that night left me somber. Her sacrifice saved our family and even though it would take a few years for her and me to get to a good place I would never forget what she gave up for us. 

Today, was a good day and I couldn't help but laugh when Charlie came up behind me and grabbed my right boob. "Nice," he said with a huge grin on his face.

My arms lifted up quickly to cover my breasts but the smile on my face gave away my feelings. I loved it when he did that. It told me that he still found me attractive even though I didn't see that girl in the mirror anymore. He leaned in and kissed me on the lips. It was a gentle peck but it melted my heart.

I hadn't realized how much a simple gesture could mean to me. My world revolved around those small moments. The gentle pecks, the little butt, and breast grabs reminded me that I was still beautiful even if I couldn't see it. He saw something when he looked at me. The hooded look in his eyes when he gazed into mine made my heart flutter softly in my chest. 

There was a gentleness there, there was a pang of hunger that I couldn't understand. I couldn't see what he saw, not anymore. The person that I saw in the mirror was utterly broken, body, mind, and spirit. What must he think when he looks at me?

Years later, he and I would stand in the kitchen preparing dinner together and there we find ourselves talking about this book. 

"I think the way that I told your story was accurate, don't you agree?" I say to him with a smile plastered on my face. Of course, I remembered things accurately. I'm simply THAT good. 

He smiles, takes a pause as his eyes bore into mine "Not exactly"

I'm stunned. I challenge his statement. "What part isn't accurate?"

His smile gets even wider if that is even possible "Our first date!" the emphasis he puts on the word 'date' lets me know that this is still a sore spot for him. I cannot help but find that endearing. 

It is hard to believe that the two of us are reaching 16 years of marriage and we get along better than we did when we first started dating. My heart fluttered at his words. "I'm pretty sure I got that right," I challenged. I admit I was curious. What part of the story had I gotten wrong? He doesn't leave me wondering for long.

"You said, that I sat next to you in the theater but I didn't. In fact, I sat as far away as possible and 'NO' that wasn't planned." his face sours and I feel like I am hearing this story for the very first time. 

This excited me to learn that even after all of these years this man could still surprise me. I wondered to myself if it were possible that I was mistaken about that evening. A small smile creeps across my face as I bring my thoughts back to that day over 16 years ago.

We are in the theater, I swear I remember him sitting next to me. My mind strains to see the face of the person to my right. Charlie is staring at me with expectation. He wants me to remember on my own but the person sitting to my right is a mere shadow. Someone was there if it wasn't Charlie where was he?

"I remember the events of that day like they were yesterday," He started to say noticing that I wasn't going to come to it on my own.

"We came in together and I stepped into the aisle first. When I turned around there was some random stranger standing next to me getting ready to sit down. Next to them another stranger and so on until eventually, you sat down."

'Eventually, I sat down' I thought about this and a part of me didn't believe him. How was it possible that I remember it so differently from him? 

"I even remember the name of the movie, the date, what you were wearing..." he began to list off these things to me. My jaw dropped. This guy. He remembered. He remembered better than I ever could because that moment meant something to him. 

We can find ourselves facing our darkest hours and feel as though there isn't a soul in the world that sees our pain but the truth is, the reality is, there may be someone there waiting for us to open our eyes and see them. They may be waiting just waiting for us to notice them standing there. 

When my mother-in-law opted to leave I didn't fully understand why. In my mind, I had given her everything she could ever hope for. What I hadn't considered was that she saw what would happen if I wasn't there. She knew that Charlie wouldn't recover and that Chris would internalize my absence as a validation of his own worth.

In her eyes, the best way to save her son and her grandson would be to lose them. The two of us shared the same beliefs. I too thought they would be better off without me. It was hard for me to accept that it was her who was right and it was me who was wrong. They wouldn't be better off without me just like I wouldn't be better off without them.

It would be together that we would overcome all that life had thrown at us. Together, we were strong. I wipe a tear from my eye as I stood up prepared to face my first day at my new job. I was going to be a Property Manager and even though I still lacked the confidence I once exuded I knew I could do this.

"You can do this Cathy," I told myself for good measure and I stood up and smiled at my reflection. I wasn't beautiful anymore but I was still me...right? Somewhere in there was the girl that could take over the world. 

"Chris honey, it's time to go!" I called Chris who came walking into the room. "Are you ready for your first day?" I ask him.

"Yes, mommy," he replies so maturely that I can't help but pull him in for a hug. 

"I'm so proud of you. Remember, if she does anything that you don't like you tell me." I tell him while I stare into his eyes. 

"I know," he says with sincerity.

"If she asks you to keep a secret?"

"I won't,"

"And...?"

"I will tell you right away," he says with confidence. 

"Good boy! That's my good boy. I'm so proud of you! I'm going to miss you so much. Maybe, we can skip today and hang out." I say and even though I am joking a part of me is totally ready to stay home. I am afraid and I wonder if he can see the fear in my eyes.

"No mommy, it's OK. I will be OK. Are you ready?" he stares at me with those dark brown eyes and his black hair hangs in his face just slightly dusting his forehead. He is so mature one might forget he is only 3 years old.

"OK...let's go," I said with a confidence I didn't possess and I drop him off at the sitter's. I stand at the front of her door for a few minutes after the door was closed behind me. 

He's on the other side of that door. Can I do this? Can I leave him there? Am I ready for this? 

Well...Am I?

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Author's Note:

There was a bit of time jumping here. Hopefully, it flowed well. Let me know if there are sections that could be improved upon to make the flow work better. Thank you for reading. If you enjoyed this chapter please vote it up.