When You Realize You've Become 'That Mom'...and What Comes Next

21

To feel whole...what does that even look like anyway? Eventually, I was sent home. I was out of danger. My body had done what it was meant to do and I would be going home. Exhaustion hit me hard and I knew I would need to drive myself home. Charlie couldn't drive both cars. He offered to bring me in the morning but I declined. Chris needed rest and I wasn't going to rob my son of the sleep he needed just because I was weak.

"I got it," I said softly to Charlie. He looked at me with concern in his eyes.

"I said I can drive you and tomorrow we can come to pick up your car,"

"I know what you said, but let's just get home, you need rest and look at Chris. He's drained out," I point to a sleeping Chris resting on his shoulder. His body limped over from fatigue.

"He's sleeping, he'll be fine. You just went through a huge ordeal..." he pleaded with desperation in his voice. He wanted me to listen to him but I was stubborn.

"I'll be fine... I promise," I said hoping he would believe me.

"OK, but if you run into trouble I want you to pull over and call me. Don't push yourself!" he commanded.

I couldn't help but smile. He always managed to find a way to make me smile.

"I promise," I said in a quiet whisper while willing myself to keep this promise.

The drive home was almost as bad as the drive to the ER. Every part of me ached. Mostly, my heart ached. I could have died. I hadn't realized that I could have bled out internally until they told me. Having this new knowledge did nothing to ease the worry that filled my chest.

"You're Ok, Cathy," I told myself. I had to be Ok even if I wasn't. There were no other options. 

I would go back to work the next day to face Mindy in all her pampered glory. She would ultimately end up keeping a record of my activities in an attempt to get me fired. Unfortunately for her, I believed in complete transparency so when my bosses received her documentation they were already well aware of my activities.

To her dismay, she had been so focused on what I was doing that she had fallen short on her own performance and was let go. This hadn't been my decision but when the decision had been made I didn't fight for her. She was shocked when it was her and not me that would be moving on. 

A pang filled my chest as I wondered what I might have done differently to help her improve in her performance. My manager told me that sometimes people are unwilling to learn especially when they believe they already have all of the answers. Just like that, she was out of my life. 

As the months went on, the pains increased. There would be smaller ruptures, not quite as painful or deadly as the first but they still happened. It had felt as though I was being transported to another world. This world was too cruel to break me like this...my own body betrayed me.

I still remember sitting in the doctor's office to review the results of my ultrasound. My hands were sweaty from anticipation. 

"Thank you for coming in today Cathy, I looked over your results." Doctor Who said to me. Can you guess that reference? Wink. 

"Thank you for seeing me Doctor Who," I replied. Now visibly fumbling my fingers as I grasped them on my lap. The anxiety welling into me as I waited for her to tell me why she called me into the office.

Her brown hair pulled back she said to me, "It looks as though you have several smaller cysts forming on my right ovary, one of them is not dangerously large but we should monitor it."

I looked at her as she turned her screen to show me the images.

"Do you see that there?" She asked as she pointed to my fallopian tube.

"Yes?" I answered not really sure what I was looking at.

"That is fluid." Her words hung in the air. 

'What does she mean?' I wondered to myself as the words escaped my mouth.

"What do you mean?"

"It means that the egg has no way to travel down the tube. It means that you may have difficulties getting pregnant."

Stunned. My eyes went wide. That wasn't what I thought I'd hear her say. Just a few months ago they convinced me to take out the IUD because they believed that was what was causing the pain and now she is sitting here telling me that it's some fucking fluid in my tubes?

'Do I even care about that anyway? Do I even want another child?'

"I don't understand Doctor. Are you saying that I can't have kids?"

She looks at me with pity in her eyes. I hated that look. It made me feel weak and unworthy. 

"I am saying that there is fluid in one of your tubes. The eggs that try to travel down this tube will get stuck. They won't make it to your womb. Your other tube is fine so there is still a chance, it is just not a great chance. There are other things going on here with your hormones. I see that you recently took out your IUD is that correct?"

"Yes," I said stammering. Damn it, she was getting into my head and there was nothing I could do. All I could think about was the fact that I can't have kids. Why would she tell me this?

"How long has it been a few months right?" her words lingered in the space. It had been a few months.

"Yes, that's right." 

"Have you been using other forms of protection?"

"No,"

"Have you been sexually active?" What the fuck is wrong with her? Why is she asking me all of these questions? 

"Yes," that's all I could say. My mind was emptying as she was speaking. I kept thinking about that fucking fluid filled tube and never having any more kids. I didn't even want any more kids. Why was this bothering me?

"There are options," she said looking at me straight in the eyes. 

"What kinds of options?"

Authors Note:

Cliffhanger I know. It isn't as bad as the other ones I've done in the past. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. It was hard to write because it brought back some painful memories. Thanks for reading and being a part of this healing.