When You Realize You've Become 'That Mom'...and What Comes Next

15

Fear...the emotion that causes us to become undone. The emotion that causes us to lose our focus, our bearings, our mind, and our humanity. Such a powerful emotion.

My boy Chris, 3-years old was left in the care of his nanny. It was the same as every other day. There was no reason to believe that anything would be different. Yet, as I sat at the desk in my office I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.

'You are being paranoid Cathy' I chastised myself. How foolish of me to doubt his caregiver. She had proven herself for the past 4 months. Why should I doubt her now? Yet, there was an ache in my chest that told me that something was wrong.

I had to put my mind at ease. I had to call her to check in. 'It will be fine, it will be fine, it will be fine' I repeated the mantra over and over while I worked to calm the growing fear building in my chest.

A few slow deep breaths later I opted to go ahead and ease the fear by calling her. I had decided I would just give her some kind of update or ask her about watching him on a different day, there would be a logical reason for my calling.

I am resourceful, this would turn out just fine so I dialed her number and the phone rang.

It rang, and rang, and rang some more until the ringing stopped and the sound of her voicemail turned on. My breath caught in my chest. It.went.to.voicemail.

Panic. Fear. Doubt. This can't be, I hung up and dialed again. Again, the sound of her voicemail rang into my ears. "This is Debra, I can't get to the phone right now. You know what to do." beep.

"Debra, hi, this is Cathy, give me a call back I have a question to ask you. Thanks" click.

I wait five minutes or so and call again. It rang and rang and rang. Voicemail. "This is Debra, I can't get to the phone right now. You know what to do." beep.

This couldn't be happening? OK, maybe she was in the bathroom. Don't panic. Give her a few minutes to see your message and call you back. Twenty minutes later. I dial the number. It rang and rang and rang. "This is Debra, I can't get to the phone right now. You know what to do." beep.

"Oh my god!" I scream out loud. Panic. Fear. Frustration.

I dial Charlie. "Hello?"

"Charlie, have you heard from Debra?"

"No, why?"

"I've been trying to call her but it keeps going to voicemail."

"OK...is that normal?" he asks.

"No!" I am raising my voice now and I can't seem to calm the tension in my body. I am physically trembling.

"OK, try to calm down, take a deep breath"

I take a deep breath and try to calm down but nothing is working, the fear is growing.

"Something is wrong," I tell him. I want him to understand what I am feeling. I want him to feel the same fear that I am feeling yet...I don't. A part of me wants him to comfort me and to put my fears to rest. A part of me wants for him to tell me that everything is going to be ok.

I have to believe that this is just a mistake. Chris is OK, Chris is OK, Chris is OK...isn't he?

"I'm going to try her again," I say.

"OK, it is going to be OK. You will see, call me later once you reach her."

"OK," I tell him.

"I love you," his voice comes across gentle and patient.

"I love you too," I'm holding back my tears. I can't break apart right now. Chris is going to be OK. But what if he wasn't?

The fear rose into the pit of my belly and my world was getting smaller and smaller. I could no longer focus on work but it didn't matter, I had less than an hour left. I kept calling and calling and calling.

I threw caution to the wind, I no longer cared if she thought I was weird for calling so many times. Eventually, the phone stopped ringing and went straight to voicemail. "This is Debra, I can't get to the phone right now. You know what to do." beep.

"This is Debra, I can't get to the phone right now. You know what to do." beep. Again and again, the sound of her voice on the voice message rang in my head and haunted me.

Work ended and the phone offered me no comfort. "This is Debra, I can't get to the phone right now. You know what to do." beep.

I drove home in knots. I would go to her house. There was a logical explanation for this. There had to be. When I arrived at her home I tried to clear my thoughts and calm myself down. I closed my eyes and centered myself.

Jumping out of my car I practically ran to her front door and I knocked. No answer.

I knocked again. No answer. I knocked and knocked and knocked...nothing.

Fear. Panic. Desperation.

I dial her number as I stood in front of her house. "This is Debra, I can't get to the phone right now. You know what to do." beep.

Oh my god! What am I going to do? What am I going to do? I'm crying now, I didn't even know when it happened, all I knew was that my shirt was drenched with tears. My world was crashing in around me.

I dialed her number again. "This is Debra, I can't get to the phone right now. You know what to do." beep.

"Debra, where are you? I am here at your house to pick up Chris. Ring me back to let me know when you are here so I can pick him up. Thanks!" It was everything I could do to keep the tremor out of my voice.

Walking away from her house was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. How could I go home without my Chris? I sat in the front of her house watching her door hoping that this was some gross mistake. My phone battery almost dead. I had to go home now.

I had to go home without Chris and I had no idea where she had taken him.