When You Realize You've Become 'That Mom'...and What Comes Next

31

Blame it on the hormones, or the baby blues, or the bi-polar. Take your pick. Yeah, I'm the asshole I've always been.

I'm the mean girl that beat up girls in their classroom or treated men like shit because I could. I'm the bitch that reminded you that you were nothing but the shit on my shoe.

Don't feel sorry for me.

I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm That Mom, the kind of woman that would leave her four-year-old because being a mom is just Too Hard. Hate me!

"I can't do this anymore," I said as I sat at the edge of the bed with my mind racing.

"What are you talking about?" Charlie asked as the words I mumbled under my breath woke him from his slumber. "What's going on?"

I turned to face him, his groggy hazel eyes glimmered and I couldn't help but remember how blue they were just the night before.

"I can't do this anymore," I replied. There was a mix of resolution and fear that laced my words. I needed to be strong enough to walk away. I had to spare them both from being shackled to me. I was the monster under the bed.

He sat up. Alertness was evident in his glare. "Are you serious right now?" He said in an exasperated tone. "After everything, after last night? I don't understand. Explain to me what you are trying to say,"

His eyes held my gaze so deeply I thought I would stop breathing.

"I'm leaving you," I replied with firm conviction as I lifted myself off from the bed and made my way towards the closet to gather some belongings.

"Like hell you are!" He was angry now and I felt his anger pour over me in waves. I was drowning under his emotions. "Every.Single.Time, Cathy. Every single time you are happy for the briefest of moments you shut down and pull this shit. Stop. Just stop," He was pleading with me as his anger turned into desperation.

"That's NOT what this is!" I snapped.

"That's EXACTLY what this is!"

I look at him, rage forming behind my eyes. He didn't understand. I was protecting him. I was protecting Chris. Happiness wasn't meant for me. It was meant for the sweet girls, the kind girls. Not me.

"I'm done with this conversation," I said as I felt myself shutting down. My emotions stilled until I felt nothing at all. The rage that seeped into my flesh simmered. A calm washed over me and the black hole that was my heart kicked into action. I pitied him for being so naive. "You're a fool," I said with ease.

It didn't matter that his face contorted. It didn't matter that tears began to form in his eyes. It didn't matter that Chris had walked into the room after hearing our shouting. I was numb.

He turned to see Chris moving towards me. "Chris, go to your room!"

"But, I want mommy," Chris said still walking in my direction.

"I said Now!" Charlie rose his voice and Chris shuttered as he turned his gaze towards mine. He was searching my eyes. Waiting for me to say something, anything to let him know I was alright.

"Go to your room honey, I'll be there in a minute," I said softly attempting to hide the nothingness that was oozing off of me.

"But mommy, why are you sad?" He was frowning.

Before I could reply. "I said now!" Charlie yelled.

Chris quickly turned away and left the room. Tears pooled in his eyes. I had become that mom and it only took a moment..only a moment for the flash of emptiness...for the nothingness to consume me.

I was right to leave. This was for the best. The resolve I felt was the only emotion that welled within me. I couldn't see past the emptiness. There was nothing there.

Turning away from the door where he once stood I proceeded to pack my suitcase.

"You're seriously going to do this?"

He asked me almost in a pleading tone. His muscles flexed from the strain of his emotions.

"You are going to leave me, leave us? Just like that?"

"Yes," That's all I would give him. It was better this way. It would be better to do this now.

"I won't let you leave, you'll regret this decision. Maybe not today but someday when you have to look in your son's face and explain why you threw him away like garbage." His words stunned me but my emotions were gone. Only the hollow remained.

"I'll never have to have that conversation because I'll simply disappear. He'll never see me ever again...Neither of you will," as the words slipped off of my tongue I knew they were toxic. 'See Cathy, you ARE a monster.' I thought to myself.

I was. I WAS the monster under the bed. Unworthy.

"What about the baby? What about our daughter?" He was desperate now. Grasping for anything he could hold onto.

"I doubt she'll survive me. Chris barely did. Let them save Her! I'm sure they'd call you once she was born. I'm doing you a favor." Nothing. There was nothing left. I was behind this black wall. No light could break through. No light, no sounds, no touch, no taste, none of my senses worked here.

"What are you saying woman?! Why are you doing this?" He was spiraling and for the briefest of moments, I felt a flicker of emotion. I felt...sadness. It disappeared so fast it was almost as though it never existed in the first place.

"I'm done. I'm done with this. I'm done with this life. I'm done with you. I'm done with this body. I'm done. Do yourself a favor and forget about me," my words were meant to reach him to help him understand. He did.

"You plan on killing yourself, don't you? You think that's the solution to this sadness but it isn't. I promise you it isn't. You have to know that I can't live without you. If you die, I die and Chris will be orphaned..."

He took a deep breath before he played his trump card. "He'll end up living with your parents. ...Do you want that?"

And just like that...the floodgates reopened.

Author's note: I am posting a day early because we will be traveling. I hope you can appreciate that this was a challenging chapter to write. It exposes some dark emotions during a tumultuous time.