I'm not crazy

25

Saturday, March 23, 2006

Jacks POV

I sit and wait at the window. Just staring. Thoughts running through my mind faster than an airplane. I felt a little better after Sierra and I's conversation. It helped ease my thoughts a little, but they're still flowing in.

Felix knows what to do in these situations. Unfortunately, the only thing I know is to call Felix or talk to Sierra and take deep breaths. I wish that I wasn't so helpless. I wish that I didn't have to rely on everyone else to solve my problems.

I start to see colorful shapes in the woods. Is that Felix and Mark? The closer I zone in to them I see that it is in fact them. I sigh in relief. My brain and body start to become less tense. I start to feel happy instead of disassociated and dreary. They're here and they're here to help.

I stand putting my hand on the door knob and waiting for them to get closer before I open it. It's strange that I'm now happy instead of what I was feeling before, like all those bad feelings just went away. They haven't even said anything. Even though Felix shared a sacred secret I still trust him, and truthfully I consider him a friend despite what I want to feel and what I tell myself.

They approach and I open the door. Mark has a blank expression with his backpack slung over one shoulder. His dirty ripped blue jeans show a wound on his knee I hadn't noticed before. He must've tripped.

Felix is relaxed, but there's a hint of nervousness. I start to feel bad because we hadn't quite worked things out yet or if were even friends. I bet he's a little confused with the situation, being asked to come back and all.  Knowing him he will keep to himself unless he really feels the need to address it.

They both walk inside. I close and lock the door behind them, also checking if anyone followed them. Felix speaks for me when I turn around, "Mark you can go to the cafeteria to do your homework, Jack and I have done stuff to work out. Okay?" He then puts his backpack against a wall.

Mark just nods and heads down the hall to the cafeteria. I begin to notice the little things about him. How his shoes are falling apart and the black duck tape he put on them to keep them together. How the seams on his backpack are ripping and also have the same duck tape on them. His hair also looks like it hasn't been washed in months. His fluffy raven hair waves and frizzes around everywhere with a lot of dandruff and dust in the strands.

Felix broke my thoughts, "Are you okay?" He asks slowly and nervously.

I sit and lean against the wall. I start to chuckle at myself, "I can't take the trash out." I say and motion to the trash bag laying near the door.

He chuckles and sits with me, "Well, You're going to have to do it at some point. And you can't call me every time you get nervous about going out."

I loose the joking tone and slouch. I need to be honest. "It been so long since I've even been out. I haven't even touched the concrete sidewalk outside in years."

Felix must've understood. He nodded and stared off, thinking. I waiting for him to pitch me an idea.

"Jack, how about we go on a small walk outside everyday. Just a little more each day. Then maybe, just maybe, we can go tame the lions mane on your head." We both laughed. I felt relieved he was willing to stick with me and help me. He'd been cutting my hair for a long time now and they were never the best cuts, but they worked and kept my hair out of the way. But a real haircut would be nice. At the same time leaving felt terrifying. I don't know why but it was like something or someone evil would be waiting outside, lingering, waiting to kidnap me or kill me. I was scared to show myself. I was scared someone would recognize me. I was scared someone would follow me here.

Felix must've noticed my fear in my face because he put his hand on my shoulder. "You'll be okay. Just a little bit at a time. You look much different than you did back then. The police don't look for you anymore and people won't follow you. This small town didn't change much, we're still all chill."

His words helped me. Feeling a little at ease I smiled and nodded. I'm glad he's here.

He stood up and offered his hand. I took it and he pulled me up. "I'll take out the trash. You catch your breath because once I'm back we're going outside for a bit."

I let out a nervous sigh. He took the trash bag and left. I locked the door behind him. Now going outside was even more daunting. I look out. It's peaceful. The trees stand still. The knee-high grass lightly waving. It's looks so nice but it's still terrifying. It's scary to leave the comfortable area you've been in for 4 years. I have to do this. I have to face my fears. I need to push myself and let go a little bit. Felix will be here to help and I'll get over this fear no matter how long it takes me. This is what I'm promising myself. This is the plan I'm sticking to and as long as Felix is here I'm okay and I'm good to go. I'm scared but I'm ready.