The Scared God [ManXManXMan]

Chapter Thirty-one: Проще́ние - Proščénije ~ Part One

~Chapter Thirty-one: Проще́ние - Proščénije~ 

Perun remains silent for a long moment, and while his expression has not lost its concern, it does become a bit more guarded. "You had a nightmare about me?" He asks, taking a step back. From the dismay on his face, I can tell that he moved away not to create distance but out of shock, but it still makes an invisible hand squeeze something inside my chest.

Many scathing remarks about the numerous years I have spent having nightmares about the he has killed me, about the nightmares that did not always stay in my dreams but instead sometimes attacked me in my waking hours as well, come to mind. However, those would be said out of spite and would likely lead to Perun not wanting to talk about it, starting a fight. So, instead, I struggle against my anger and force myself to say, "That shouldn't have come as a surprise to you if you truly read up on the mortal study of psychology as you once claimed."

"I..." He starts, only to sigh and run a hand through his hair in agitation. "I've read enough studies to know about the impact of trauma, but I had hoped, since you weren't showing signs other than paranoia and panic attacks that could be attributed to more recent events, that you had moved on or forgotten."

"You don't forget your first death," I inform him, rubbing my arm uncomfortably. Maybe I should not have brought this up after all. I thought he would just answer my question, and that would be that; instead, I am admitting more than I wanted to about myself.

Perun makes a cut-off sound in the back of his throat, but before I can identify it, he takes a small, cautious step forward. "A millennium is a long time to hold onto something like that," Perun says, looking equally uncomfortable about the topic, but he at least seems to be handling it better than I know I am. "When was the last time you talked with someone about this?"

I stare at him for a moment, and I know that my answer is definitely not a good one, as I had to take a psychology class recently in a mortal college, too, but... "Never. Who would I dare talk about my past with? A mortal therapist? They'd decide I am insane and leave it at that."

The king god seems at a loss. "You could have talked to your former master, or...or I'm sure Loki would have listened," Perun points out, though he clearly does not know them as well as he seems to think.

"Loki is a great magic teacher, but emotions were not his thing; his solution to anything that bothers him is usually revenge or something crazy that gets him in trouble with Odin," I disagree, "and Ainmire...Ainmire grew up around Gwyn and the Fae; emotional stuff makes him uncomfortable. He might be different now, but I'd have to find him first."

Perun looks like he wants to get further into this, so I quickly cut him off before I end up admitting something I will regret. Well, regret more. "Are we going to talk about that day or what?" I demand, because if not, I might as well just go wait in my room until Hors wakes up so I can avoid any more conversations like this.

Though he does not outright show it, I can hear a bit of resignation in his sigh as he gestures towards the table. "Let's sit down first," he suggests, but does not wait to see if I will follow his suggestion before lightly taking my arm and guiding me over to the table.

I take my normal seat, but Perun, rather than sitting in his spot, moves the chair so it at the corner of the table, putting himself closer without quite crowding me. "What do you remember about that day?" He asks, settling his elbows on the table so he can rest his chin on his clasped hands.

"I don't remember exactly what you said, but you called me a liar, tried to banish me, and when I refused to leave, you killed me with lightning," I reply bluntly, trying not to think about it too hard. Just because I want to know his reasoning, it does not mean that I want to remember the memory that brought about the nightmare in the first place.