When She Became A Pledis Trainee

CHAPTER 3: THE PLAN

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This is a work of Fiction. Names, characters, places and incidences are either products of the author's imagination or, if real, are used fictitiously.

Please refrain from reproduction, transmission, or storing in an information retrieval system in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, taping, and recording, without prior written permission from the author. Thank you, and enjoy!!

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"Hindi masabi and nararamdaman, di makalapit, sadyang nanginginig nalang..."

/trans: I can't say what I'm feeling, I can't come close, I simply shiver.../

Behind my eyelids, the acoustics and steady melody takes form as purple streamlines, twisting and flowing as if the music was fluid. In the back of my mind I run the plan over again and recite reasons why I'm planning at all. To convince myself to do it, or convince myself to not do it, I'm not really sure, but anyway...

I was not an honor student anymore. I still have my scholarship though, but it's my last year in college. It's supposed to be my last year in college. The scholarship won't support me anymore next year if I get delayed. And I will be delayed, I know it. I won't be graduating this semester, or next semester for that matter. The thesis that I had been working so hard for, isn't really doing very well. The orchid samples that I'm using kept dying despite my efforts for growing them. That's the problem for having living organisms in your thesis, you can never know when they'll die, or why. Life is unpredictable and fragile that way. My adviser is also leaving in two months, for a Doctorate study leave. I hate him for not telling me right away and advising me to switch advisers immediately, especially when my thesis kept getting nothing but negative results from the get go. Aren't advisers supposed to help you and guide you towards graduation?

To make things worse, my mother lost her job earlier this year. 'Lost' the job because she does laundry for other people, and she lost her clients. It had been a tough month. What's worse is that I had been getting into frequent fights with my mother about almost everything. I try to sympathize with her but it just hurts when she says things which make my efforts seem worthless. It's okay when other people call UP (University of the Philippines) students proud or boastful, just because they're in UP, but when it's your parents who tell you that you've become too smart for your own good because you're in UP; and you know can't even graduate on time; and you think of ways to earn money to support for yourself during your extended semesters; and you've got no friends because you're always cooped up in the laboratory or library, studying to get good grades to make your parents proud because they've always told you how education is the only treasure they can give; and you realize that you're not even sure what your parents want from you anymore; and you remember all your sacrifices and the passion you failed to nurture just to be smart enough, to be good enough... You start to understand why all those UP students took their own lives, hanging themselves in laboratories or jumping off of dormitories.

Hah, that was quite a mouthful huh?

I've thought about this for months now. How I could wisely claim my own life but avoid getting discovered – a place where I could never be found, so that there would be no need for a funeral, and how I'll leave all of my remaining money behind. It is selfish, I know. My parents don't need money, they need a daughter, who will help them and her siblings as they grow old. But when I think of me, my future, I see my family, and a laboratory, but I couldn't see myself in it. Maybe I'm just currently in a slump and is losing motivation, but the world isn't really helping at all.

Whenever I reflect on these things, and project my thoughts into the future, I look into the mirror and see myself unsmiling. Will, Mela, Charlene and Rome are new friends. Or maybe they're just acquaintances, groupmates from a common subject for one semester. All of my batchmates are also cooped up on their thesis and are mostly surely graduating this year, leaving me behind. I don't really get weak for friends though. I am strong, I know I am, after all the trouble I've been through, but sometimes, it's not weakness, but rather wise to let go or throw away a problem which you know is out of your abilities, lest you go crazy over it. Better end this early. Not much will change anyway... the water is waiting.

Iopen my eyes, the long and dark train of thoughts chugging back into the darktunnel in which it came from. The traffic had started getting lighter now. Itake off my earphones, close my eyes, and gently shake my head. Will might beright. It might be the songs. I should give those new songs a chance. Afterall, it won't hurt listening to new songs; it can even engage the brain anddistract me from dark thoughts. After convincing myself, I went to the Kpopplaylist Will made for me and pressed Shuffle.