so help me (mashton)

entry six

i don't know what to say. i'm just so angry. and sad. and betrayed.

today fucking sucked.

bryana came round. everything was all well and good. until michael left. 

vvvvvvv 

michael walked out of his room and down the stairs with a backpack on and his phone to his ear.

"okay, i'm leaving now, i'll see you when i'm there ... why? ... babe, i love you, but i'm not walking down the road while i'm on the phone to you ... because i don't want people staring at me ... forgive me for being socially inept ... i'll be ten minutes, you wanker ... okay, bye,"

he smiled lightly as he pulled his phone away and back into his pocket. he looked over at the rest of us - me and bryana cuddled up on the sofa and calum and luke sat on the floor like a couple of children. 

"i'm staying round crystal's tonight," he addressed.

i frowned, "why?"

everyone looked at me.

"i mean, why tonight? don't you wanna see us?" i clarified.

"i wanna hang out with crystal," he shrugged, as he opened the door and left.

i stared at the closed door with a frown on my face, and then out the window and michael eventually left my sight.

once i looked back at the screen, i noticed bryana looking at me with a pout and the other two just minding their own business.

"what's wrong, baby?" i asked, pulling her closer.

"i just- can i speak to you for a minute? alone?" she asked smally.

i frowned as i pulled away and stood up, "sure,"

she sighed, running her hand through her hair and leading me into the kitchen.

"i can't- i can't do this, ashton," she sighed, holding her arms against her body as she looked down.

"do what?" i questioned.

"i see the way you looked at him. how you smile when he enters the room, and frown when he leaves," she stated.

"what are you talking about, bry?" i queried.

"i know you're in love with michael,"

"i'm- what?"

"you're in love with michael. you don't look at me like you look at him,"

"that's because michael's just my friend, and you're my girlfriend. of course i look at you differently,"

"no, ashton, you look at him with love, and you look at me like you look at luke, or calum," she mumbled.

i reach out to grab both of her hands in mine, but she pulled them away and stepped back, placing them on the small of her back.

"baby, that's ridiculous,"

she shook her head.

"i know love when i see it. you don't love me. you love him,"

"bryana-"

"i wouldn't- i wouldn't want to hold you back from the person you truly love,"

"i don't love him, bry,"

"maybe you don't, but you sure as hell don't love me,"

"bryana,"

"do you, ashton? do you love me?"

"i-" i hesitated.

she shook her head, wiping away her tears, "even if i'm wrong about you and michael, i can't be with someone who doesn't love me. i love you, i've loved you half the time we've been dating, and i just don't want a relationship with you if it takes you this long to love me,"

"bryana, please don't do this,"

"i'm sorry, ashton,"

"bryana, for god's sake, if you care about me and our relationship, don't do this,"

"i care about you enough to let you be with the person i know you truly want to be with,"

"bryana, no," i whispered.

she walked over to me and placed her hands along my jawline, kissing my cheek. i put my hands over her wrists and stared into her eyes.

"goodbye, ashton,"

i felt the warmth of her hands leave my face, and heard her steps get further and further until they were no more, and replaced with the sound of the door shutting.

hesitantly, i walked out of the kitchen and stood by the doorway.

"dude, where'd bryana go?" luke asked.

"she's gone for good," i answered quietly.

"what?" calum questioned.

"she broke up with me. she's gone,"

vvvvvvv 

the rest of that night consisted of tears, hugs, and lots and lots of ice cream. 

luke and calum didn't leave my side that entire night, despite how many times i told them i was okay.

i'm not okay. i really liked bryana.

one thing i like about bryana was her observation skills. she could tell when i was sad and would cheer me up, she could tell when i really wanted something and she would get it, and she could tell if i had something on my mind and would talk to me about it.

and sadly, she could also tell that i had feelings for someone else.

when i realised how i really feel about michael, i would break up with her if i knew i liked him. but i'm not sure yet, so i laid off in case i don't.

but she beat me to it.