Elsie-Rae's got Double D's

kissing one-o-one

Had a bit of a breakdown in the kitchen this morning. I just couldn't hold it in anymore and started crying while I was waiting for the kettle to boil, ended up sitting with mum for a good half hour crying over Ben, telling her in minute detail how the break up had happened, I sort of hoped that if we analysed it together it would somehow make more sense. He'd ended things. Said that he didn't want to be with me anymore, but it wasn't my fault — that's what he'd said wasn't it?

My mum gave me a massive cuddle and said not to worry that everything would be okay, but that was another lie. How could things ever be okay again?

I had another little cry in the toilet at work, and then one more in the park when I went out for my lunch break. I knew I shouldn't have gone there, too many memories; it's where we had our first kiss.

After we'd had that little cinema date and I'd gone back to school after the summer holidays, we became a little bit inseparable. I'd thought that I was terribly cool back in those days — someone like me had managed to bag themselves a boyfriend, and he was practically the coolest guy in the whole entire school. I used to hang out with him in the sixth form common room, aka, the promised land; it's something you can only dream of when you start high school. Urban legend said that they had PlayStations and DVD players, but the truth is they had a television and a couple of comfy sofas. The teachers always seemed to catch me when I was in there talking to Ben; it was that jealous cow Kayleigh dobbing me in all the time. One time someone even said that she wanted to fight me, apparently, I'd disrespected her by going out with Ben. I'd broken the 'Girl Code' but it's not like she was even my friend in the first place.

Then after a few weeks of hanging out, Ben asked me to be his girlfriend, that was when he started wanting to kiss me. Well, how was I supposed to know what to do? It wasn't like I'd ever kissed anyone before, someone real anyway.

I was in Tesco's with my dad one Sunday afternoon when I spotted one of those magazine's that Steph used to read all the time. It was called Bliss, 'Kissing One-O-One' emblazoned across the front 'everything you need to know' it said underneath they were even giving away a free lipgloss, a glittery one as well. There was no doubt in my mind that I had to have it; it would teach me everything that I'd ever need to know when it came to kissing boys.

I'd searched that shop high and low for my dad before finding him down the wine aisle, which was still a bit of a sore subject for the both of us. "Dad . . ." I started to speak, but he didn't hear me, he was too busy reading the label on a bottle of Californian red. "Dad, I think this is the magazine that Steph wanted," I'd said to him.

"Stick it in the trolley then," he'd answered barely even bothering to acknowledge what it was that I'd said or what he was buying.

When we got home, I'd ran up to my room and devoured every bit of knowledge that I could about kissing. I knew that when the time came, Ben would not know what hit him. Birds would sing, and the world would spin faster than ever, I would be an expert, and after that day Ben would never want to kiss another girl again.

Then it happened. The glittery lipgloss was too sticky, and my braces got in the way, and Ben didn't close his eyes like they do in the movies. The kiss didn't go as I'd planned.

Over the years with more practice, our kisses got better. Maybe they still weren't good enough though because now Ben's decided that actually, he does want to kiss other girls. He wants to kiss girls that aren't me, and how am I supposed to ever get over that? I can't; it's not possible.