I'll Be Okay - Peter Maximoff & David Haller

I can see you slipping.

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Last edited on: April 20, 2019

New Revised Version: February 24th 2021
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          Peter was practically convulsing with anxiety in Erik's arms, using the last bit of strength left in him just to break free of his hold. His face was twisted in shame as he struggled to take his metal wristband off, while also simultaneously trying to be subtle about it. He did this when they were distracted talking, and he couldn't even hear them. His ears rung so loudly that his vision swirled and with it, he ripped the chain from his neck. He felt detached from his own body. 

         Erik was much too occupied with Charles telepathically to notice how desperate Peter was trying to wiggle out of the door. Luckily he managed to, and before they could try to stop him, He threw the door open and he stumbled through the paneled door. Surprisingly, he wasn't being held down by his mental will, or put up against the wall by anything metal in the house. I guess they really didn't care for him. 

         The kids that were in the hall on their way to bed were looking at him weirdly, and when he ran to the entrance he decided he couldn't blame them.  After all, he had never shown anything to anyone regarding his mental health before and so him just standing there with tears running down his face, wrists exposed, he could only imagine what went through their heads. He ran out of sight of the mansion but he heard people calling for him but by then, he was gone.

        When he was outside far from people, it was raining heavily, almost pouring down on him. He paid no attention to it, he just needed to run, he needed to leave. He just ran and ran until he couldn't run any longer. He managed to stop after he saw less oak trees and more so city lights. He looked around frantically and saw nothing but a field filled with long grass that reached up to his knees and suddenly, he drops to the ground without his control. His body felt like it was on fire, his mind bled out the worst of his thoughts and he just wanted it to stop. He couldn't believe that Charles knew, that his father knew. He couldn't believe the betrayal he felt, he never wanted to go back. Ever.

       This isn't what was supposed to happen, he didn't want this. He can't fucking go back, He refused to see those looks of disappointment on their faces. He felt so alone. He had never felt this alone in his entire life, not even in that damn bathroom. It was like a black hole had formed inside of his chest and was sucking him dry of all his emotions, motivations and any ounce of happiness that he might've tried to have in the past. He wanted to end it so badly because of it, and he tried. He tried so hard but he constantly failed, thinking that maybe if he hides it, he'll be okay. But it always ends the same way.

With everything continuing to fall apart.

        He knew deep in his gut that he had to change, but his mind is physically not allowing him to. It was just on this loop of constant self destruction, and he was so tired of it. Tired of feeling like he didn't belong, tired of feeling as if he was nothing to this world. He just wanted someone to truly see him for who he is, instead of the person he puts out to the world. But it was too late, it was over. His chances at redemption were soiled. He'll never forgive himself for what he allowed the others to see.

        He felt cold, wet, and emotionally detached from everything around him. He eventually had run out of tears. He could no longer feel the boiling hatred, or the crippling sadness. He was finally empty. Completely drained. Honestly he never once thought that this was what his life was going to be like. When he was a child, ​nothing had ever mattered to him. His looks, the way he spoke, the way he walked and held himself up, the color of his hair or his shaggy tired face. But now, it was all he ever thought about. He was so tired of punishing himself, but a part of him really believed that he deserved it. He had never did anything for anybody in his life. He only ever showed off. He couldn't stop his Dad from trying to assassinate the president, he couldn't save Scott, He almost got himself fucking killed by the demi-god, and he couldn't even save Raven from Jean. His own friends . . . 

    Between his mindless thoughts, there was this loud whirring noise coming from above him. He tried to ignore it but his ears started to ring because of it, now forming a migraine that pulsated  behind his eyes. He tried covering his ears with his hands tightly, screaming at the sound. It was becoming all the more painful the more he tried to resist. The wind was blowing around him faster than ever before and it took Peter about 2 seconds to figure out what the noise was. A fucking helicopter landing 10 feet away from him. When he attempted to stand warily to run he felt the wind knock out of him and flashbacks came to him from when he first came to the school and rescued those children from the blast, and before he could even think, something threw him back onto the ground. He groaned loudly in response and saw black dots start to cloud his vision before he passed out.

Is he ever gonna stop passing out?

***

"Peter! I'm sorry!" Charles called out to him before he ran, but there was no way he was stopping the boy from leaving. He felt panicked, because he believed Peter would do something horrible to himself. But obviously, he already had, and Charles felt immensely guilty at the thought. He wanted to stop him before he left the grounds though, but getting inside his head was like trying to work yourself into a Tornado. Erik grabbed a hold of the other man's arm before he could attempt to stop him.

"What did you see? What was he thinking when he did this?" Erik's voice had never wobbled like that before, and Charles couldn't resist telling him.

"He's . . . ​God, he's in so much pain​." Charles' voice was watery and wavered when he remembered what he felt when Peter finally let him in. His mind was like no others he had ever seen, it was desolate, and cold. All he had felt was complete exhaustion, followed by the intense waves of loneliness.

"I can still feel his . . . Darkness . . . all around me. He loathes himself, Erik. He doesn't want to live anymore. He- he tried to ​kill himself​, and I​-I didn't even hear his cries! I couldn't hear him--!" Charles was practically trying not to break down at this point and Erik felt himself shiver with pity. He couldn't help but wrap his arms around him, pulling him in softly, even though he felt as if he should be hugging Peter instead.

   There was something about that boy that Erik couldn't put his finger on, like he could almost see himself inside him. That's partly what motivated his decision to check on him with Charles. As soon as they walked in, the sight was that of overwhelming concern. Of course, neither of them commented, but Erik could practically smell the stench of sadness rolling off of Peter, it was intoxicating.

"What happened to him?" Erik was baffled, before, he regretfully disregarded the kid whenever he had said anything self deprecating, he always thought that he had been joking.

"He's lost his way completely!" Charles was really distraught over this, and he was mumbling to himself. "He seemed so carefree when I first met him, but now . . . his mind has turned completely destructive. He doesn't understand why he's on this earth to begin with. He believes he has no purpose, no reason for living." Charles looked up at Erik with guilt.

"And . . . you​ . . . It's mostly you he thinks about." Charles didn't even try to let that slip, because of his mumbling though, it did anyway.

     Erik started unravelling his arms from him in surprise. He almost looked offended and Charles felt resentment crawl up his own spine because ​this was definitely not his secret to tell.
​
"What do you mean it's me? I barely know the boy." Erik thought back to Apocalypse. Maybe the kid resented him for not stepping in sooner. 

Charles put his forehead on Erik's shoulder in defeat and sighed. He had to tell him now, Peter will be incredibly angry, but he needed to know. Erik needed to realize that there was still a future to look forward to.

"Peter . . . is your ​son​."