starlight |jw

-7-

-Lee Sunhi- TW. self-harm.

"Don't do this, not again" Jackson had said right before I walked out of the practice room

"please relax, let's talk this out" he held my arm firmly; I glanced down at his grip, snatching my arm back, following my way out of the building to the safety of my home.

Worthless , Cut.

No one likes you , Cut.

Ugly, Cut.

Fat, And cut.

That was enough to have my arms and legs covered in blood, angry tears rolled down my cheeks while sobs of frustration left my lips. But who was I angry at? you might wonder... and the answer, was no other than

At myself.

I knew very well I had let everyone down with the decisions I had taken. 

and what decisions were those that led me to where I was now? Well, a health care check up had been done a week ago in our school.. I still wasn't sure how, but my report card was in Baby's hands; my health was a mess, to say the least. I was starting to develop anemia, was at the border of anorexia and the doctor had suggested that I made an appointment with a psichologist. 

Baby tried discussing it with me, but I was outraged that she had taken my health check, not only that but she went through it! How was she even able to tell what was my condition? So this caused the boys to find out as well, and today was the day they decided to confront me about it... but being too scared to face them, I turned away from the trouble.. I guess this was the real cause of my lonelyness...

I sighed, staring at my arms numbly; what a mess I was.. My life, my head-everything  about me was fucked up.
Blood kept pouring out of the messy cuts I had made on my body, but the more I stared, the more a deep regret and fear built up, my head started spinning and I was feeling dizzy.

I don't want to die.

Was a thought that rang in my head as I rushed over to the kitchen sink, washing the blood that poured from my arms, but it helped little to nothing, the water making me wince as it felt cold on my scattered arms. I closed the faucet, taking a towel and holding it as tight as I could to the wounds that were bleeding the most. 

I don't want to die
My mind reminded me, but I didn't find the will to call someone over.. I was scared, but I didn't want the guys to feel the same.. they would be furious if they found out! 

Finally someone cared enough to stay by my side! The friends I so badly desired were now with me, and I was pushing them away. What the hell was wrong with me? I was being so stupid, so dumb...

And I wanted to live.

My eyelids felt heavier, my chest felt tight and slowly, my surroundings were turning black

"no, please... no" I cried silently. I looked around, trying to find my phone, but it was nowhere to be seen. I tried opening my eyes as much as I could so I could guide myself through the kitchen and to the living room. I probably tripped over a seat, or maybe the couch, and though it hurt, I tried reaching out my hand to see if the coffee table was...

the coffee table was....

clos- 

。。。

"Sunhi! Oh my God, wake up, please!"  A voice was heard at a distance.

"Sunny, what's wrong? wake up, please!"  hurt, desperation and anxiety, were the things I could identify on the voice, that had become less faint, the person might have gotten closer to me; and I was right, soon the person held me in a warm and comforting embrace.

My eyes flickered, adjusting to the dim lights of my living room
Jackson was here.

 A small smile spread on my lips
"Yah, don't cry.. I'm not dead"  my voice was hoarse, my throat and lips felt dry, meaning I had probably dehydrated. 

"Don't cry? Are you fucking serious now Sunhi!" He was angry, and he had every right to be.. 

"I'm sorry" a frown replaced the smile that had previously been there

"I'm sorry? Don't apologize to me! This is yourself who you wronged" he wiped his eyes, a few tears had escaped his eyes. I was surprised, this being the first time he felt so fragile and desperate, yet warm and comforting.. all that while being upset.

"We're going to the hos-" 

"no! not the hospital, please, I beg" I said, the idea of a hospital alone was able to raise the hairs on the back of my neck. He scanned my face for a few seconds, before a heavy sigh left his lips.

He lifted me up without a word, carrying me to my room, placing me on my neatly made bed. I saw as he left the room, coming back shortly after with the first aid kit I had in the bathroom; taking out the supplies, he started cleaning my wounds. Even if he was angry at me, he was being gentle. He cleaned my wrists and fore arms carefully, applying an antiseptic and soothing spray after, then proceeded to wrap them in bandages.

"Is it too tight?" he asked, not looking up at me

"it's fine" I replied, so he taped them down with sticking plaster. With a sigh, he took out another cotton pad, wetting it with oxigened water and then cleaning the wounds on my legs, too. 

"Do you know how much it hurts to see you do this to yourself?" he asked while finishing up the bandages on my legs

I didn't reply. Because what was there to reply? Yes? No? Exactly, nothing..

"Sunhi, don't do this ever again, please. What would've happened if I didn't barge inside your house? Would you still be alive?"

"I-I didn't want to die" I said quietly, enough for him to hear me
"And yet you did this"
"It wasn't my intention for things to turn out like this.." 
"I've hated life for a long time now, but after meeting you and the guys.. life doesn't seem as unbearable as before.." I looked down at my hands that rested on my lap, I could feel his gaze on me. I lifted my head up, and our eyes met for the first time this day; my heart skipped a beat as his eyes scanned my face, my lips..

"Do you know why I'm this angry?" He asked but I remained silent.. did I want to listen to what he was going to say?

"You, Lee Sunhi, are a wonderful person.. hardworking, capable and talented, yet you don't realize any of this.. you're gorgeous and your soul is a beautiful one, did you know? it's so fucking unfair, that you choose to believe them and not us, Sunh-a! Since I met you, I can swear my days are brighter; you've given me genuine and pure affection while expecting nothing back from me and truth be told, we're all happier when around you.. Yes, not everyone might find you as amazing, but not everyone has to.." tears breamed at the corner of his eyes, his hand reached to touch my face, wiping with his thumb the tears I hadn't notice were pouring from my eyes

"I've realized" he pronounced delicately, his eyes never leaving mine

"You're my world, Sunny" 

I hugged him; with no second thought, my arms wrapped around his neck and my head rested on his shoulder, the pain on my arms almost unnoticeable as his warmth transfered to me. I was left speechless, but I wished with my heart that this hug was enough of a reply, of  a thanks.. and of an 'I care for you, too', for him.

"Promise me, that you won't do it again"

"I-"

"No conditions, just a promise" he held out his pinky for me to shake. I stared at it for a few seconds, then at him, and at the pinky again, finally intertwining my small finger with his'.

"I promise"

***
{n/a} my favorite chapter so far, I hope you like it as much as I did.
-xx