Trapped Soul

Chapter 10 - Better For Real

His lips were careful against mine. I was the one who seemed to want more. It felt better than in the dream. The tension just continued higher, though. It didn't stop as I had hoped when I first crashed my lips on his. I brushed my tongue on his lower lip and he immediately opened up and our tongues started the dance they had done in my dream. When our tongues touched I could feel his mood change. It was like he had been trying to hold back but now it all disappeared. His hands landed on my hips and he deepened the kiss. I let my hands travel across his chest, feeling his muscles against my fingertips. He gently pushed me down on my back without our lips parting, not even once. My heart ached for him. It was filled. Filled with love. Filled with heat. It wasn't empty as it used to be. His lips left mine and they traveled down to my neck. He kissed my pulse and I felt it racing together with my breathing. I let my hands fiddle with his hair and it was like he was woken up from a dream. He pulled away from me, he was still straddling me, but he pulled away so he could look at me.

"I'm sorry, I-I don't even know if you want this" he stuttered and he looked ashamed of himself.

I was pulled back to the reality. What was I doing? What had I been thinking? I still wanted him but my rational part of my brain reminded me that I didn't even know the guy!

"I-I... I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry! I screwed up. Like I always do! You don't want me, you really don't. I'm just trouble. I'm not safe. I-I... there's... I should go, and you should forget about me" I babbled and his lips shut me up.

I stopped talking and a second later he pulled away again.

"I want you. Don't get me wrong, I do. I want you right now" he confessed. "But I'm not sure if it's right" he added.

"Because I'm homeless and you're... not, I get it, I should definitely go" I babbled and to my surprise he shook his head with a chuckle.

"Don't you see? I don't care that you're homeless, I don't care if you have problems. I want to be here for you. I want to care for you. I want to help you. I want you to be comfortable with me. I want..." his voice died.

I looked up at him with tears in my eyes. I could see the hesitation he had written all over his face.

"What? You want what?" I whispered shaky.

He tried to avoid eye contact but I put my hand on his cheek and that made him look at me.

"I want to love you" he barely breathed.

I didn't know what to say. Or what to do. I just laid there looking up at him with a shocked expression on my face. How could it be possible for someone like him want to love someone like me? That only happened in fairy tales, and there was no such thing in real life. He was probably just feeling sorry for me and trying to make me feel better. I didn't feel confused anymore and I smiled up at him.

"You don't have to pretend, it's okay, you don't have to try make me feel better. I'm okay, I've been okay for years, I don't need anyone to cheer me up" my voice died as I spoke when I saw his face turn into a frustrated expression.

He grunted a frustrating sound while shaking his head before turning his eyes to me. Holding my gaze.

"I'm not doing this to make you feel better! What can I say or do to make you understand that I like you? I want you, not anyone else. I feel a connection to you that I haven't felt for anyone else. Not even the mother of my own daughter for god's sake!" he exclaimed with hushed voice.

I guessed the hushed voice was because of his mother and daughter sleeping somewhere near. His eyes were honest, to my big surprise.

"Believe me, I'm only trouble. I'm not safe. Not here. Not anywhere, really, but I'm more safe on my roof. Alone. That's just how it has to be" I whispered, tears welling up in my eyes.

He looked at me with confusion in his eyes.

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

He had no idea, and that's how I wanted it to be. I shook my head and I started to get up from the floor, pushing him off of me. He held me down in sitting position and didn't let me get a chance to stand up.

"Talk to me" he said pleading.

When I didn't answer and didn't look at him he put his hand on my cheek and pulled me into him. His lips touched mine and a strange feeling shot through my body. My mind was telling me to pull away. To break the kiss and go away to never return. But my heart made me move my lips towards him. Making the rooms temperature raise again. Surprisingly he pulled away with a quick move making a smack sound when our lips parted.

"Tell me" he said seductive.

When I hesitated he pecked my lips a few times and it got harder for me to concentrate.

"I can't" I whispered through my hard breathing.

He pouted with his lower lip. My lips felt swollen after the kisses and it was a strange feeling. I hadn't felt this for a really long time. Actually I had never really had a 'real' relationship. I had been 18 at the time my mom died, and I had been on the street ever since a few days after her death.

"Kate, please, tell me what you meant. Are you not safe? Who are you hiding from?" Rick pleaded and I decided it had gone too far.

I pulled myself away from him and stood up. I tried to contain the tears but they slide down my cheeks without my permission.

"I have to go. Don't follow me. Don't come looking for me. You're much better off without me. Thanks for your hospitality but I need to go" I saw the damage I made in his eyes and I looked away.

I couldn't stand the hurt I had caused him. I walked to the bedroom door and I walked out of there. That's when I heard him stumbling up from the floor and I could hear him come after me. When I was down the stairs he caught my hand and stopped me.

"Was it something I said? Maybe I went too far when I kissed you, please I can change. I can hold back. Just... please, don't go" he begged with tears in his eyes.

I got a lump in my throat which I couldn't swallow. I looked at his lips. They weren't as swollen as mine was but I could see they were not used to the kind of kiss he had given me. My tears started to stream down my face. I didn't want to leave. He was the only good thing that had ever happened to me. But if I stayed he wouldn't ever be safe again either. I stepped on my toes and crashed my lips on his. I kissed him hard and I felt the confusion, frustration and fear. His hands landed on my back and he pulled me closer. I let my hands travel to his neck and our bodies were touching everywhere. I almost forgot what I had to do. His mouth was so sweet against mine and I swear that if I hadn't pulled away at that moment, I would've stayed. So I pulled away and left our foreheads still touching.

"It's not you, believe me. I just... I can't stay, and I can't tell you why" I whispered against him.

I pecked his lips and tangled out of his grip. As quickly as I could I got out of the loft and ran towards the stairs. I didn't feel like waiting for the elevator in case he was going to try and stop me. I took the stairs in long steps, trying not to fall. I had no shoes on me, and no socks, so I could feel the coldness against my feet with every step I took in the stone stairs. I remembered I still had his shirt and his mother's pants, but I couldn't go back. Not now. Not ever. Once I got downstairs I started off by walking normally but once I got outside of the building I sprinted off again. I ran as quickly as I could in the night. It was dark but I could still make out every corner of the street. I felt something sharp under my right foot but thanks to the adrenaline in my body I couldn't feel how badly it cut into my skin. I got to the dark alley I searched for and I slowed down. I jogged to the ladder and made the familiar jump. When I got up to the roof I laid down on my back. I felt the sting in my foot and I took a look at it. There was a piece of shattered glass in the middle of my foot. It wasn't big but it was bleeding pretty badly. I pulled it out and bit my tongue not to scream. Once it was out I stood up, careful not to touch the middle of my foot on the ground, and I walked towards my usual sleeping spot. I pulled out my blanket and sat down. I looked at my foot and tried to decide how deep it was. I gave up. My heart hurt too much to let me think about my foot. All I could think about was Rick. How his lips had felt against mine. How his body had been pushed against mine. I thought about the dream I had had. The part before Bracken had stumbled in and made it into a nightmare. I couldn't keep myself from crying anymore. I cried out into the dark night. I smelled his shirt to try print the smell into my memory. I didn't want to ever forget this happening.