Letting You Go

3 | The Fight

March 2011

After four cycles of chemotherapy, we were waiting for her radiation to begin. The doctors told us her prognosis was looking hopeful. Hopeful. That's pretty much how we tackled the last four months since her diagnosis. 

It's been up and down for us most especially for Erin. After her second cycle in January, her body just became weaker. It took her longer to recover from that. The third cycle got pushed another week to give her more time to recuperate. She looked more ashen and her body was unrecognizable as she lost more weight and her cheeks have become deeper on her face. She doesn't look like my Erin anymore.   

Her appetite was close to non-existent, but with much encouragement she tried to get some sustenance. She fought me more and have called me names every time I told her that  she has to eat; She has to hydrate; She has to rest. I didn't care really if she was constantly mad at me. I just took it. I told myself that's the chemo medicines talking. She would lash her frustration out on me.

I  thought she needed an outlet to vent these emotions that she had, as a supportive boyfriend, I took them without complaints. If I were in her shoes, I would pissed at the world, too. However, just like any other human being, I had my breaking point. It was during her fourth cycle that she finally got into me. 

It started out as a normal day at the hospital.  She was on the bed and I just stood up from the chair that I've come to love. Yes, the same uncomfortable one. I was opening the lunch I brought for her.

"What is that?" She asked.

"I got you burrito today for a change."

"Jacob, you know that I have been complaining about the metal taste in my mouth. Do you know how much cilantro they put in that thing?" She complained. 

"All right. I'll eat it then. What do you want to have? I can run to McDonald's and get you a burger if you want," I said to her rubbing her hand.

She snatched her arm away and seemed angrier at me than the previous day. 

"What's the matter this time?" I asked. 

"Did you have a good time with Eliza Castillo yesterday?" She asked angrily.

"Eliza? Is that what this is all about? You know Chase likes her, right?" I answered. 

"Answer me! Stop pretending you are here, and you actually give a shit about this whole cancer thing, while you have your little Eliza waiting at school. Don't play games with me, Jacob. You can go and leave me if you want. I don't need you!"  She shouted. 

I stopped what I was doing and took a deep breath praying to God to give me more patience with her.

"Look, I don't know who told you. I talked to her yesterday because Chase couldn't find the opening he needed to break the ice with her.  You know how long Chase has this crush on Eliza." I chuckled, trying my best to lighten the mood.

I reached for her hand, but she kept rejecting me touching her. She glared at me and I can almost see the smoke coming out of her nostrils.

"There is nothing to be upset about, baby. I just spoke to her that's all. Hoping I could be of any help to Chase.  The poor boy is always tongue tied around her." I added. 

"You know she's the most beautiful girl in school and everybody has a crush on her! You and Eliza will look like the perfect couple. The musician and the cheerleader. A match made in heaven!" She exclaimed.

That's it! I had it. I dropped the foil-wrapped burrito on the table in front of her.

"Erin, I am here! I am fucking here every single damn day! What else do you want from me? I take every shit you throw my way for the past three months without saying a word. One text from someone who knows both of us or maybe some gossiper from school called you, and you will just disregard all the things I have done for you?!"  I shouted at her.