Letting You Go

9 | Coming True

March 2012

After we got the news from her doctors that there's nothing more they can do. It was decided to stop all medical treatments and just bring her home. Erin's parents arranged for hospice care done at the comfort of their home.

I brought her to the beach for the very last time. After we checked out of the hospital and drove home, I asked the ambulance driver that was carrying Erin to follow me to the same spot where we would hang out.

I signaled to the driver to back the ambulance towards the sand so she can see and hear the water. I climbed up and sat next to the stretcher.

"Erin" I whisphered to her while I took her hand and gave it a kiss.

"Open your eyes. We're here. Look." I said to her.

I saw the paramedic that was with us drying her eyes. Erin slowly opened her yes and smiled almost immediately.

"We're here." She said softly.

"Yes. Same place. Just like what you wanted." I tucked the blankets tightly under her to make sure she wasn't cold. I watched her closed her eyes and enhaled deeply and went "Hmmmm."

"Jake" She called softly.

"I'm here babe." I said as I lean my head against the side of hers.

"Thank you" She said.

"Anything for you. I love you, Erin! So so much." I whispered to her as I feel warm tears streaming down my face.

My heart was beating fast.  I felt that I have to savor this moment because this is probably the last time she and I would be in this spot together.  Our favorite place.

"Don't cry, Jacob. I love you, too." She replied as I feel tears slipping down her face as well.

"You can take me home now."

I nodded "Okay, babe. We'll take you home." I said as I wiped my face and planted a kiss on her forehead. I started to climb down the ambulance.

***************

Erin's family, my parents, Chase and I took turns watching her since she got home along with a round the clock nurse that would check her vitals and administer the medicines that made her comfortable.

We have set up her room to accommodate the small monitor next to her that made a faint sound to monitor her blood pressure. She still had an IV to keep her hydrated but that's pretty much what we needed to make space for in her room. The rest were the same as she always have them. There were keepsakes from her younger years, pictures of her family, pictures of us, a big plushy stuffed giraffe at the foot of her bed.

I'm certain she's glad to be home surrounded by the things that matter to her instead of the cold and unfamiliar surroundings of the hospital. 

One week after we brought her home from the hospital, I was sitting next to her and kept vigil when the nurse that just checked her told me it's getting close.

I held on to her hand tight and kept whispering how much I love her. I kissed her lips, her forehead, her hand and brushed my fingers against her smooth head. I was trying to memorize every part of her so I would not forget. I looked at every lines in her hand taking a mental photograph of what it looked like. I touched the tip of her nose and traced the edge of her lips remembering how they always responded to my kisses.

"I will miss you so so much, Erin. I love you very much!" I said to her as I sobbed next to her.

"I know you are tired. You did great, baby! You fought it so hard. It's time to rest now. I will be okay, I promise. You can go now." I said to her as I leaned my head on her chest feeling the slow rising and falling of her breathing.