Letting You Go

8 | From Erin

September 2011

I watched him sleep on the make shift bed he made with the two chairs in the room. He looked exhausted. He had been driving back and forth from his house to here every single day. How in the world did I get so lucky to have him in my life? He has given me so much of himself since we got together. I don't think I could ever repay all the sacrifices he made to be with me in the most trying times of my life. I can't help but feel sad for him.  If I don't survive this, it will break him. I decided to pour all my heart to Jake in a letter that I hope he doesn't need to read in the future.

To My Dear Jacob,

I know by this time your mind is running like crazy thinking of ways to make this situation of mine better. I can see it in your eyes. Why don't we leave that to the experts shall we? I am watching you sleep right now.

Honestly, I want to wake you because I am feeling really down at the moment and I need somebody to talk to but you are sleeping so peacefully and yes slightly snoring so I know you need to be left alone. I am trying here not to think much of my situation and the only think I can think of is writing to you.

Jake, I know I almost never called you that. I don't know why but calling you Jacob makes me feel special.

Anyway, bear with me as I try not to sound that I am rambling here. I have so many fond memories of us when we're kids. I find it hard to admit it but the years of pranking each other is the best times of all. I think I may have developed a crush on you in first grade but really what does first graders know about crushes?

Okay, okay. You were cute back then. I always find your ash brown hair to be attractive and when summer time rolls and your hair gets lighter to almost blond. It gets harder not to look at you. This goes on until we got older to be honest. I would notice how your hair color changes with the change of seasons.

My favorite is when we would be by the beach and the sun light will hit your eyes and the green color would look lighter like marbles.  I know small details about you.  I have memorized it for years! 

When you started going to our house to have piano and guitar lessons from my mom that is when I noticed the serious side of you. I remember how your face would look like when you try to concentrate on the day's lesson and how you would keep on trying to make everything perfect. That's you. The perfectionist.

I know I am in deep trouble when you played your version of 'Someone to Watch Over Me' in the piano. We were 13 back then. Do you remember? It was that day that I said to myself 'if I let him, Jake could definitely do some serious damage to my heart'.

I shove those aside because I know you are my best friend and I shouldn't be feeling something for you. That changed when you asked me out on a date when we were 16. I will never forget that day at the beach when you kept telling me to put my shirt back on even if we have gone swimming together numerous times barely clothed. I didn't know you have developed feelings for me.

For three years, I have been stopping myself from liking you more than I should but imagine how I felt when you said you have been figuring out how you can ask me out. Jake, I was beyond ecstatic when I heard those words coming from your mouth. I knew! I just knew you and I will be together forever. There's no way I will ever let you go.

The memory of that day puts a smile on my face right now. See...even when you're asleep you put a smile on my face. I'll continue this later. Nap time for me.