Headfirst for Halos

-1

I think I'll blow my brains against the ceiling,

as the fragments of my skull begin to fall,

Fall on your tongue like pixie dust just think happy thoughts...

A cadence I've been chanting for quite some time now. For exactly; three weeks, two days, eleven hours, seven minutes and counting.

I've always excelled the most in mathematics.

The orange surrounding her black iris reflects the light from the lamppost, making it seem somewhat shiny.

The transition from light to dark was quick since I arrived here at 4:01 and it's now forty-three minutes past five.

The cigarette entwined in my fingers loosely hangs threatening to drop ash onto my tattered shoes. I pulled it back up to my face, inhaled deeply through the cigarette then pulled it away letting the smoke escape from my mouth.

The black cat stares up at me; she's about two metres away from me on the road while I leaned against the railings of the deserted bridge.

She rubs her ears with her paws then falls onto her back, waiting for me to play with her.

"No." I said then flicked the remainder of the cigarette on to the road. The cat glanced from the cigarette butt then back to me.

I spun around and places my hands firmly on the railing, then pushed hard enough just to not touch the ground.

I fell back down causing my feet to stomp on to the concrete.

"Tonight," I began talking to the cat "is a great night for suicide." I turned around back to the cat, she tilted her head. I'm going to dive headfirst for a halo.

I jumped down from the side walk to the road and began walking home.

When I thought, if life isn't a joke then why are we laughing?

It's been maybe four minutes and thirty-seven seconds since I left the bridge and the little black cat is still tailing me.

I reached the door to my parents' house and stared at the handle. I pulled down then thrusted the door forward, which opens into a small hallway leading into a kitchen then into the living room where you'll find stairs to bedrooms.

I slammed the door behind me and marched up the stairs to the far left corner, my bedroom.

Seconds after I enter, I collapse onto the unmade bed and roll over on to my back to stare at the ceiling.

To my left, out of the corner of eye I see my razors, the packets of stolen pills and three large bottles of peroxide.

I have already sorted the pills alphabetically twice, my razors from sharpest to most blunt and the bleach to strongest to weakest formula.

The stolen pills range from pain killers and aspirin to prescriptions.

I glanced to each option I have and rest my eyes on the blades as my first choice.

I lifted the sharpest and pulled back my black sleeves from my littered wrists.

I stare at the scars, a few more wouldn't hurt. In a true and honest opinion, I completely think scares are the most beautiful things ever. Fuck diamonds, cars and expensive shit. I just want scars.

I glide the thin metal across my wrist finding ease with every slice.

Blood begins to draw on the surface before I cut deeper and harsher. The lovely sensation drives tingles through my body; I glance back down at my slashed wrist, and then looked at my opposite arm. My clean wrist.

I have always promised to keep the arm clean of harm. Today I guess I broke the promise as I drag the razor against my skin, creating a bloody wonderland.

Once I found enough release I stared at my inflamed ripped apart wrists. They appear to look like they've just been mauled by a tiger.

I quickly undressed, hoping no blood has spilt. I jumped into my shower, running my arms under the mildly scorching water. Pain stems from my wrists up to my shoulders.

From inside the shower I watched the blade; I slowly opened the door and snatched the razor.

I thought my wrists weren't enough, so I decided to scar my hips even more.

I stayed under the hot water for another forty-three seconds before it began burning.

I pulled my skinny jeans back up my legs ignoring the infected flesh on my hips. I found a dark long-sleeved shirt and slipped it over my head then I rolled up the sleeves.

I sat back leaning against my bed staring at the pills.

The red ones make me fly and the blue ones help me fall.

You can't swallow pills dry; it'll leave an aftertaste so in lieu I'll drink he peroxide along with it.

I popped every pill out from the foil packages then held it in my hands; I dragged the bottle from its rightful spot and placed it next to my foot.

I glanced from the bottle up to my window where I saw the cat from earlier on, starching at my window. I dropped the tablets on a black t-shirt and sighed.

I like animals a lot and this is just too cute to say no to; animals are the reason I'm vegetarian. I stood up from my cross-legged position to open the window; the cat peered up at me then jumped into my bedroom.

I walked back over to the instruments of death and sat exactly like how I was before. The cat followed and sat facing me; watching my every motion.

I tried fitting as many capsules as my mouth could hold then I ripped open the most-intense peroxide and guzzled it.

Once the container left my mouth, I hung my head in my hands and attempted to impede the room from spinning and swaying. I groaned and clutched the bedpost for help. A burning sensation connected from my throat to my stomach; my legs, lips and hands commenced trembling pugnaciously.

I held my abdomen as tears aggressively fell down my face, more growls were unleashed from my mouth as felt once again vertiginous. I rose from the ground weakly, my arm still wrapping around my gut. About three seconds after standing, I collapsed brutally while striking my head against the bedpost. I opened my eyes again softly and saw the cat stare back at me. The cat slowly stepped towards me and caressed my leg with her head. I gave it a frail smile as my parents busted into my room. My eyelids flickered close before I heard the screams and cries from my mother and a siren buzzed throughout the neighbourhood. I fell unconscious once I was lifted out of slouching position against my bed post.