For Him (Tracob)

Jacob's pov.

Troye looks terrified. "Um, no, that's not...no. you must have heard wrong."

Charlie is gazing up at him, looking worried, and the doctor shakes her head. "I've been doing this for 7 years now, I know twins. I know this must be a lot for you to take in, but I want you to be aware...you have no obligation to keep both. Putting one up for adoption, though difficult to think about, is an option."

"No."

The words slip from me before I can consider them. "We can't do that."

As I speak, I realize how serious I am. I cannot do that. Troye looks vaguely panicked. Doctor Avery frowns.

"We're nearly done here, since it's early on there's not much to do. If you want, you could leave, and I'll just finish with Charlie." Her voice is gentle.

Troye nods, taking my hand. "Jacob can we...I want to go. I need...let's go." He turns and leaves the room, giving me no choice but to follow him, because I know how he is. He'll meltdown because he's so easily overwhelmed. By the time I catch up to him, he's left the building and nearly reached the car. I jog over and catch his arms, pulling him to a stop.

"Troye, Troye, you can't just walk out like that, okay?"

"She said we could go," he replies, ducking into the parking garage and away from the traffic clogged street.

"But she didn't say we had to ."

"Well I needed a minute!" He snaps. "I can't do this, okay?"

I feel my whole body slump. "Troye please don't. Please don't say that. Please don't do this."

He turns around to face me. "I was ready, Jacob, for one kid, I was ready but this is so much bigger."

"It's just one more kid," I say, but even to me it sounds feeble. An entire second human is a huge responsibility.

"Jacob, that's one more kid we could fuck up. That's one more kid that we don't know what the hell we're doing with. That's one more kid that has to deal with our crazy, messy life."

"We're not gonna screw up our kid, Troye. We decided we were ready for this." I feel angry and hurt and sad all at once.

"We didn't decide to have twins. What're we supposed to do with that? I can't do that, because I'm not ready for that."

My heart sinks and I feel like crying because this is it, this is moment where he tells me he can't, we can't keep both, and I have to decide to either split up my children that I haven't even met, or...god there's not even a second option. What else would I even do? Try to raise twins on my own? Leave Troye? The idea is terrible, I could never do that, I could never, but at the same time, I know that something like this would stay between us for a long time, too long to be healthy, too big to overlook. It would split is apart eventually. 

"So what then?" I say to him. "Break up twins? Just throw one off and say "sorry, but we couldn't deal with you."

Troye looks at me for a minute, tears shining in his eyes. Finally he whispers. "I couldn't. I could never. I would feel so guilty for the rest of my life."

I nearly cry with relief, exhaling shakily, and reach out for him, but he shakes his head.

"I just want to go home, Jacob. I don't want to do this right now. Just get in the car."

His attitude is less than ideal, but I know it's better not to argue. I just want him to be happy. I want us both to be happy and I feel like we lost some of the excitement we had to the new feeling of added stress, and that kind of hurts.