~~TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS~~
Dear Diary.
Here it is, the countdown to going to college. I'm starting to get really anxious now, I'm scared I won't be good enough, I won't make friends, what if I get bullied again?
Today it was harder to get up than usual, I just wanted to sit in bed and cry. I hope this isn't a sign that I'm getting worse. I still don't really understand Depression very much and I thought today was the day to do some research.
When I was researching I found a list of symptoms of Depression and I thought I'd write them here for future reference. So here goes.
Symptoms of Depression include;
- Lethargy
- Lack of energy
- Problems with sleeping cycle (oversleeping/ insomnia)
- Negative thoughts
- Intense sadness
- Hopelessness
- Inability to function daily
- Lack of social behaviour
- Anxiety/ Paranoia
- Suicidal thoughts
- Persistent and irrational guilt
- Urges to harm yourself (self harm)
After going through that list, I realised I have most of those. I can function daily, and I don't self harm, but apart from that I suffer from most of those, just not on an extreme level.
Dad self harmed. I remember seeing unexplained scars and cuts on his arms. If he caught me or my brother looking he would quickly roll down his sleeves or go help my mum with something, but I think we all knew it was self harm. Mum would quite often have to run to the chemist to buy bandages for him and even had to take him to the hospital once. There was a razor in the bathroom that he hid in the back of the medicine cupboard, but I found it on the day he went to hospital. He hadn't put it away. I threw it away and cleaned up the bathroom, crying the whole time. I couldn't, and still can't, understand what cutting yourself does to help...
My therapist has never explained it to me. Self harm isn't talked about with her, because I only have mild depression and I don't self harm. If I was any worse I would have to see a different therapist because she's only qualified to deal with mild cases.
Mum was being surprisingly nice to me today. I still hadn't come out of my room at lunchtime and I think she was a bit worried so she came in with a cup of tea. She took me to get some new clothes for college as well as some books and stationery. I enjoyed spending the time with her but the whole time we were out of the house I felt panicky and I was scared that everyone was staring at me. I really really hope this isn't a sign of worse to come....
Bed time now.
- Jess
A/N: Hi guys, I hope you're "enjoying" it so far. I guess this book isn't really to be enjoyed, more understood. I wrote this chapter on a whim, no planning whatsoever, simply because right now I'm lying in bed feeling terrible. it's just one of those days I'm afraid. See you soon 💕
YOU ARE READING
The Silent Killer
RandomA simplistic explanation through diary entries of what it is like to live with Depression. Depression is a mental illness with various levels of severity, but basically nobody can understand it unless they've been through it themselves. I, the autho...
