The Silent Killer

September 9th 2017.

-TRIGGER WARNING; SELF HARM-

Dear Diary.

I missed college today. I felt awful when I woke up; mum came in and asked me if I was okay because I looked so pale and tired. I slept awfully, I couldn't get to sleep because I felt so bad. I've never slept so badly before, and I was nauseous all day.

The main problem I found today was that I was worried about Cathy, I was worried that her dad had got physically violent over the weekend, or that she would be wondering where I was. She phoned me at around 10am asking where I was and I just said that I had a bug because I didn't want her to think that her story had made me feel bad or anything.

I'm so ashamed of myself, because I gave into the urges. I only cut a little bit, on my arm, but it felt so good. I was feeling terrible, so awful that it was making me feel physically nauseous. My mum kept coming in during the day to ask me to come down and eat but I couldn't face it. I found an old broken CD case in my room and I brought it down quickly over my arm. The blood began to ooze out, beading at first and then dripping down my wrist. I felt euphoric, almost high, even. I can't describe it but all I can say is that it felt amazing, and I really can understand why people do it.

I felt so ashamed afterwards. I had never wanted to resort to such drastic coping strategies, but I really was feeling awful.

I can't explain why it all developed so suddenly, but like I said last week, I was doomed to develop depression from the start. The genetics, the bullying, and then everything with dad - there was no question that it was going to happen, and it seems to me that I have just reached my breaking point.

My mum kept coming in to offer me good but I hid the cuts. I didn't want her to know just how bad I was feeling. What would she say? I didn't want her to worry about me, she already has enough problems of her own without worrying that I was going to go the same way as dad. And I most certainly don't want her to be angry with me... Not that she would be... I mean she used to do it too....

After I had cut I felt great. But after about half an hour I fell down a pit. A pit of guilt, misery, fear, and panic. Although I felt better for a while, inevitably I felt worse afterwards.

-Jess

A/N - Sorry about the graphics. Like I said the last thing I want to do is upset people but unfortunately I've come to realise that people need to be shocked to understand/ do something about it.