The Silent Killer

September 8th, 2017.

A/N - I'll try to make this chapter lighthearted, to make up for the last one. I don't want to depress you all... I don't know. Nothing about depression is lighthearted, though. 

-TRIGGER WARNING; SENSITIVE CONTENT-

Dear Diary.

I felt awful all day today. I woke up and within about 20 seconds recalled everything that happened yesterday with Cathy. I just felt so miserable about it all, I really couldn't face even getting up to shower. I just wanted to stay in bed. People have bad days all the time, sure, but this was worse. The thought of Cathy, or anyone, going through something as awful as that had really brought me down, and I couldn't focus on anything. I stayed in bed for ages this morning, just lying there. I felt as if someone had died, an incredible sense of loss, misery, grief. That was accompanied by dread. Dread to do anything. Dread to shower. To go downstairs and actually have to talk to people, even my family. I lay there crying for no apparent reason, for about half an hour, until my mum came in. As soon as she saw me, she came over and hugged me. I cried into her shoulder for a long time, until she made me get up to eat.

After eating, I made the excuse that I had homework to do, and I went back upstairs. I wrapped myself in my duvet and just sat there. I looked in the mirror and my face looked awful. Devoid of any emotion. Tired. I looked dead. I felt dead, to be honest. 

I felt so terrible all day that my stomach hurt. I felt physically sick because I felt so miserable. I started wondering whether self harming really would help me... but I fought the urge to try. I didn't want scars all over my arms. I'm scared, though. I'm terrified that one day in the not-so-distant future, I won't be able to control myself. I'm scared that my arms will be covered in cuts. I can feel my happiness slipping away, I feel like there is a black cloud above me and there doesn't seem to be a ray of sunshine... I'm scared that this is my descent into depression.

I've read on various sites that a symptom of depression is isolating yourself from others. Not socialising. I've already started doing that. I cancelled on Amy today because I couldn't face going out. I can't describe it effectively. I felt physically ill, but only because emotionally I felt so tired. I had no motivation to even write in my diary today, but I made myself do it, I have to do this for dad. 

I'm going back to bed now, I have no more energy to stay awake. I don't want to be awake while feeling like this.

-Jess

A/N - Here's some help for people - here we see Jess' beginning of her descent into depression. Depression is a form of neurosis, and this means that while you're suffering, you KNOW that something is wrong with you. This is different to a psychosis, which is where you think it's normal to have stuff like that - eg Schizophrenia is a psychosis and people suffering will think it's normal to hallucinate.

I really want to reiterate just how sensitive this topic is, and apologise to anyone who could feel triggered or upset by this story - the last thing I want to do is upset anyone but at the same time I feel that people really need to be told EXACTLY what it's like to be suffering with depression in order to help those who are.

To anyone suffering who is reading this, stay strong. Things will get better. x