The Silent Killer

September 7th, 2017.

~**SEVERE** TRIGGER WARNING; SELF HARM AND SUICIDE ATTEMPTS. **DO NOT READ THIS CHAPTER IF YOU ARE; SUICIDAL, SELF HARMING, THINKING ABOUT SELF HARM, THINKING ABOUT SUICIDE**~

Dear Diary

I went to Cathy's house today. It was not as great as I had expected it to be...well I wasn't sure what I had expected, but it certainly was something I didn't expect. Her mum cried all the time, her dad was abusive towards Cathy and her mum, and we spent the entire day in Cathy's shed at the end of the garden (her "happy place") just to avoid it. Cathy was very apologetic and said that her dad isn't usually this bad; but he had been drinking all morning and unfortunately when he's drunk this is how he acts.

I apologised again to Cathy about asking about her self harm, and she took a deep breath before telling me everything - I never realised people could be suffering so much on the inside and yet look so positive and optimistic every day. Cathy gave me permission to write her story in my diary because I told her about dad, and about what this diary was for. So here goes.. here's Cathy's story:

"I was 12 when I first started struggling with depression. Severe depression. I couldn't leave the house - it was debilitating, soul destroying, life ruining. I started self harming really early into it - it was a release for me and it helped me focus on something other than the intense pain inside - because I could focus on my arm and the process of cutting which took away the negative thoughts and the paranoia. The problem is, it quickly got to the point where I was having to cut so deeply just to get some form of emotional reaction from it other than nothingness... I've been to hospital multiple times to have stitches. I've attempted suicide three times. The first time, I overdosed on my antidepressants. My family found me in my room, curled up in a ball shaking, so they rang an ambulance. I remember waking up in the hospital and being absolutely devastated that it hadn't worked.... it was the worst feeling ever. Waking up and wishing I hadn't. The second time, about a year and a half later, I drank bleach. That didn't work either, because when I passed out, my dad just so happened to be outside the bathroom and rang the ambulance. This time, they kept me in the hospital overnight and sent me to a mental hospital in Scotland. It was absolutely lovely in there, the nurses were so sweet to me and I developed such a lovely friendship with one of them that by the time they deemed me fit to leave, I didn't want to. I still talk to her a lot, actually. She sends me cards on my birthday and at Christmas, and has kept me going through quite a few bad moments. The third time was a few months ago. I wrote a suicide note and everything for this one. I was so sure I was going to do it - but unfortunately I got caught before I could do it.... I suppose it was a blessing in disguise each time because I am starting to finally feel a lot better. So my advice to anyone would be to stay strong, because it does get better."

We both cried while Cathy was telling this. I felt awful for her, I couldn't understand why she'd wanted to take her life but the fact that she'd felt so awful that that was her preferred option just made me feel so bad. I cried at home as well, while I was writing that here in this diary actually. It's only been a few days but Cathy has come to mean so much to me, and the thought of her, of anyone really, feeling that awful, hurts me to my core.

- Jess

A/N - If you managed to read that without crying, I am super proud. I cried while writing it, I have to admit. And I got quite triggered. To anyone who got triggered or upset, I really am so so so sorry, but I did warn you at the start. So... I can't really hold myself responsible. I will explain later why suicide comes to be the preferred option but I need to distance myself a bit from writing more tonight because I really got myself into a bit of a state! See you guys soon xo