The Silent Killer

September 6th, 2017.

~~TRIGGER WARNING; SELF HARM~~

Dear Diary.

Second day at college went okay. I still have to rely on my map to help me find my way around, but luckily I have Cathy to get lost with me, so it's less intimidating. We got assigned our lockers today, and on a stroke of luck, mine and Cathy's are right next to each other! Unfortunately, however, Kayleigh's is next to ours as well....just when I thought I could get out of seeing her.

Today she came up to me with her "gang" and told me that my hair made me look like a "lesbian prostitute"... I didn't really know what to say because it was the stupidest thing ever, so I just laughed it off, but secretly it's really hurt me, I don't know what to do about it. What if everyone thinks that? What if they're all secretly laughing at me behind my back? What if Cathy thinks that?? Maybe I should get my hair cut? But I can't get it cut shorter, they'll laugh at me even more....

Cathy momentarily rolled her sleeves up in Chemistry today because we had to do an experiment. I say 'momentarily' because I saw scars and cuts on her forearms and when she caught me looking she rolled them back down, just like dad used to do. It kills me that my friend feels so awful that she is resorting to harming herself but I still don't understand how it helps... when I asked her she just blushed and made an excuse about a meeting with her maths teacher, so she ran off.. meaning I spent my lunch alone. I should have just kept my mouth shut. It's none of my business....

I had Chemistry after lunch so I did have a chance to talk to her. I slipped her a note explaining that I only asked because I was worried about her and she replied with "it's okay. talk at hometime.x" We then talked at the end of the day and she apologised for going off, but said that she doesn't like to talk about it. After blushing furiously for about five minutes, her mum came to pick her up, so I hugged her goodbye and went to wait for my own mum. She came in about half an hour, just after I was starting to get really worried. When I asked her why she was late, she started crying, saying she'd been sorting some things out in her room and she'd found dad's suicide note... 

It turns out, the reason she's been being so nice to me recently is because the day before the one year anniversary of dad's death, she had found his suicide note when going through some things. In the suicide note he had pleaded with her to be honest with me about why she had behaved the way towards me that she had. When we got home, we had a cup of tea and a heart to heart in the kitchen, and it's actually because she was so determined for me NOT to turn out like her that she pushed me so much. Unfortunately for both of us, it had quite a different effect and only really ruined our relationship. 

After our chat, we went and got Chinese for tea, and because it's Friday today, I did all my homework just after tea so we can have our movie night, which in fact is starting in about five minutes, I guess. I can hear my brother calling me saying he's finished his homework and they want to start the movie. I'm going to Cathy's tomorrow, all being well, so I'll write after that.

-Jess

A/N - I've decided that all chapters will be 500 words or more, as I don't want them all to be too short. Let me know what you think, and please let me know if you're finding some chapters too triggering because I want to make sure I don't make it too awful when things start to develop. :)