Realer than real

2. Don't go.

"Hey, so I just found this program that allows you to view someone else's computer screen from your own computer"
"That's cool" although I can't think of situations where I might need this, I'll make sure I remember it exists..
"So wanna try it?"
"Hum.. Sure why not. Even though I don't think I'll use it"
"You can use it to watch a movie with someone in another place"
"A-ha! .. That sounds nice, I wish I could watch a movie with someone like that but I don't really have anyone that I'm close enough with.."
"...."
"What about the person who told you about it?"
".. Oh really? I didn't think that was an option.."
"Of course you silly, why not? Here's the link, download this and tell me when you're done"
"Okay, I installed it"
"You already installed it? You sure know your way around huh? Not bad"
"Hum.. I still don't know how it works though, what should I do now?"
"Just open it and enter this username and password"
"Okay, before I do that, just to make sure, will the one seeing the other person's screen be able to manipulate it?"
"No, they can only see the sceen.."
"So like, they can't get in your folders or controle your computer?"
" Hahaha no I'm not gonna hack your computer dummy, just do it"
"Okay here you go"
"Okay"
"Woah the purple, I'm blind"
"Hey! Don't make fun of my sophisticated taste"
"Haha"
"Are you watching? The connection might be weak.."
"Nah it's fine, I'm watching.."
"Okay"

That was the start of many many other sleepless movie nights to come. Our movie nights.. Do you remember them? Do you miss them at all? Do you miss our intense discussions about the life lessons? Our long, endless talks about the universe and the human mind? Do you remember how hard it was for us to wrap up those conversations and go to sleep? Do you miss falling asleep at dawn with me when the world is just waking up?
I, who rarely missed sleeping-hour before that day. I, the morning person who woke up at dawn to prepare for a productive day at university each day before. I changed my life for you. You literally turned my world upside down and I had all my lights shining green for you. That whole year still feels like a far away foggy memory from dreamland. Sometimes I'd wonder if those nights were ever real.

That night was the first alert in my heart going off, I felt it, I ignored it. I felt such an emptiness after that movie, I said I wanted someone to watch movies like this with for the rest of my life, "someone" I couldn't say you, because obviously it couldn't be you. Little did I know, that was the first "almost" moment you fed me for many others to come, my very first false hope, your very first cruel little innocent mischief, my very first little heart break.
Yeah.. That moment, that one little moment contained all of that, Rosy-black. Bittersweet.
I asked you once, after years and many many other movies if you still remembered the first movie we've seen together, you said you didn't, I told you then that it was The Garden Of Words, that I watched it directly from your computer, You said you remembred then. But I felt like you knew what I was talking about right from the start, I knew you didn't need me to remind you. It was just your way of breaking my heart one minute so that you can mend it the next. It was your way of keeping me hanging to you, like a child asking for approval, for any sign of validation, for any proof that her feelings are real and not a making of her wild imagination.
Hey? How hard was it for you to just admit that you remembered, that it meant to you just as it did to me, that it was our first surreal moment, that it connected us, that in that movie was a big part of our story.
We never spoke of it but I knew it meant for you more than just a movie. In the movie, the male main character falls in love with an older woman, his teacher, they deny their feelings for a while, until he finally confesses. She rejects him at first but ends up surrendring to her feelings, and runs after him to tell him. The ending scene, shows the two of them in a feverish teary hug under the rain.
How similar is that to our story, and how much of it was coincidence? I wonder now if that was a warning sign, a way from the universe to test the waters, asking us if we really wanted this, we both were so immersed in those feelings, we both ached for a love like that, and the universe saw that we got it.

Few months after that, 17-11-2016,  I wrote in my diary:

"All the love I had inside, all those orphan, nameless feelings, all those love songs, those long insomnia longing nights, those lonely 3am fantasies, you came and you gave it meaning,  you came and gave it a name, it has your name now."  
You, a boyish, reckless, young almost adult presence that I needed in my life, you brought me colours I forgot existed a long time ago, you opened doors for me, a window of reconciliation with the past.
I, a girl two years your senior, in my early twenties, with a lot of new wisdom to offer, and a lot of ripe affection to put into use.
You always said you loved my mature side, my responsible presence, my drama-less attitude.
It was just meant to be. We both needed each other, and we met in the exact right time. It couldn't have been any more perfect. I'm happy that we met.

_____________

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