Realer than real

8. You win.

Six months had passed and your presence in me now is but a lingering late night after-thought, or a ghostly presence peeking between me and the people talking to me sometimes, or a faint scent playing me during my most busy hours, or a moment of freezing silence as I catch your name here and there, a momentary little death before my organs resume their ordinary functions and the world resumes its spinning. But I could almost not feel it at all by now. I grew so good at ignoring it, at taking it as part of the usual that it didn't brother me anymore. I could swear that I was completely cured of you. That you fell from my heart that same moment I had said good-bye. And just like that, I washed away your memory. I've been sober for six months now.

It didn't come easy I admit, I had to take some critical mesures to assure this happens, some may call it denial. I forbade late nights for myself, I made myself follow schedules like a robot, I made myself stir away from all love stories and poetry, I changed my playlist, songs I adored even before I knew you, I couldn't listen to anymore, I stopped watching movies I loved, I switched to documentaries! I went back wherever you existed and cleaned after your trace, I wiped our whole history. I reprogrammed myself, I made it so emotionally and mentally strong. I did everything right.

But it's true what they say, no matter how cautious you are, you can never change what's meant to be or alter your destiny. Just when I thought I was safe enough, I let my gards down  and you crept right back in, you still found your way in again..

"Please tell me you didn't get my texts, tell me you didn't just ignore them? Please tell me you got this? I miss you. It kills me."

"....."

My heart drops as I discover this message in my inbox one March day. A beautiful spring day, it was bright until that moment. I suddenly saw grey clouds creeping in my sky little by little. And I stood there, staring at the letters of your text, watching the clouds as they gather in anticipation of a storm. Like a defeated king would watch his freedom, his beautiful land being taken away from him.

I debate whether or not to reply. I feel a weird mixture of emotions I cannot make out. I've learned in the last few months to ask myself how I felt, to sit down and decipher my emotions before I acted upon them so people can't manipulate me.
I feel angry, I recognize that you're being unfair to me, that after all the hurt you've caused me and finally after I did something about it, you had no right to come back and drag me in again. I feel angry. I decide that you deserve to know how angry I felt, so I reply after a few days..

"what texts?"

Shit! After all I've been through, I still walk straight into your trap.
Maybe it wasn't just anger I was feeling, there was a bit of yearning and you played on it and you won. Truth is, you would've won no matter what I did or said. You were better than me at reading my own emotions.

"Thank god, I sent you many times but you never replied. I thought you would never talk to me again."

You're right, I should've never talked to you again. "I blocked your number." I say.

"I deserved it, I know."

"Then what makes you think that you can text me again?"

"I already said, I missed you. I couldn't accept that idea of never having you in my life again. After all we've been through, are you really okay with it?"

"Well, I know it may be hard for you to believe but I've been doing great without you. And that's what I'm planning to keep on doing."

"Okay. I get it, I really fucked up, I hurt you, I deserve it, I know I deserve it, but please can't we talk again? I just miss you?"

"Heh! Of course you miss me! I did everything for you, everything humanly possible. Why wouldn't you? I would worship me if I were you. But you didn't and it's too late now."

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have texted.'

Truth is, I felt like I wasn't being myself then, I have never spoke to anyone so coldly before, let alone you!  but you deserved it, and I know I hurt you. I'm glad that I did.

Few days later, I saw you with her again.
Were you doing it on purpose? Bringing her right in front of me to see if I still had feelings for you? To provoke me?

"What the hell is wrong with you!"

"Why would it bother you that much? I don't undersrand, you said you had no feelings for me, so why are you making a big deal of this?"

"Because it's a big deal! Are you sick? So to you it's completly fine to text a girl you had history with and shower her with love words when you're still in a relationship? Just what the hell is wrong with you?"

"I know, I know, this shouldn't be right. I know but I can't help it. It's true. Everything I said is true. I miss you."

"You know what Seb? You're sick. I wish I never knew you."

"That hurts Ney. I know I deserve all the anger but that one really hurt."

I'm glad it did. I want to say. But I don't. For the same reason I never wanted to hurt you before. For the same reasons I could never get angry at you. Your depression. No matter how hurt or angry I get, I don't ever want to be your trigger.

Again, you won!

"Good-bye Sebastian."

____________

We're getting closer to the end of the story. Did you enjoy this chapter? I hope you did!
Please don't forget to click on the VOTE button on the left side of your screen for support, and leave a comment down bellow, I welcome all criticism.
Thank you so much!