Realer than real

9. Stars.

It's over. An expression with very small, frail letters that don't do it justice. It's over. Each letter a lifetime of memories to be packed and kicked out to the dungeons of the memory, each letter a lifetime of promises, dreams and hopes to be shattered and passed to the rubbish of the soul, each letter a lifetime of first impressions, first discoveries, first wonders, first confessions to be erased completely like they'd never happened. It's over, a lifetime, a person, a complete full existence, a living breathing presence, a piece, an organ that is part of your organs, a life that is part of your life, to un-do, to un-think, to un-feel, to un-know, to un-tie, to un-live.
To un-live. How do you un-live a period of your life? How do you un-feel a part of your being? How do you un-remember a part of your memory? How do you trick the hours to move backwards? How do you move on a whole era of your formation without losing yourself?
More importantly, do you give back their parts that they planted in you? or do they blend and become yours? and if they do, do you erase the name of the original owner? or do you keep it for reference and keep on moving? How do you ignore the echoing sore crackling each time you move? or does it just subdue with time?
Time. The magical word. Time solves everything. Time? How do you let it do its work when the idea of moving on terrifies you a little more than the pain of being stuck?

Before we've met, I've been lonely for a very long time, I had my own troubles, I'd practically spent the last few years crawling through life, I already felt like I had nothing to loose. Nothing is as dangerous as feelings like you have nothing to loose, because whatever will be taken away from you next, you won't feel it, however badly you're treated you might not even recognize it. And I didn't, you treated me wrong, but for the longest time I couldn't even tell. I had feelings I couldn't name. But that's gonna change today, I'm going to give things their true names.
When you lead me on, while you knew I didn't even stand a chance, that was called taking advantage. When you took whatever I gave you for granted and kept me hanging, that was called emotional abuse. When you put yourself down to attract the empath in me, that was called manipulation. When you put words in my mouth and made me apologize for the mistakes you made that was called narcissism. It was so subtle, so easy, instead of turning away, I embraced all of it because we had suffered the same pain you and me, we'd shared the same humain void. Except that your pain turned you into a monster, mine turned me into a victim.

Back then, I didn't really know how to love someone but I wanted so badly to be loved.
I was so hungry for love. I wanted a love so tremendous the sky falls and the oceans dry. I wanted a love so great, life cannot sway. I wanted someone to come, find me, choose me, put me in the center their world and feed me love. I wanted someone to exist for me. Someone to look at me and say : This one I've walked my whole life is search of so this one I'm going to keep, this one I will love, this one I will cater to, this one I will continue to live for. Someone to breathe for me when I couldn't. Someone to cry for me when I couldn't. Someone to beg me forgiveness, when I am the one at fault. Someone to say: Now that you're here, everything falls into place, my whole existence finally makes sense. Someone to live for me, so I could live for them too.

The irony is that when I found you and recognized the same emptiness in you, I did everything in my power to fill you, I didn't want you to feel the same way that I felt. So I made my plan, that we can fill each other's lack of love, and I made you sign it unconsciously. As long as we had each other, I thought that we'd be okay. My demons that I thought I chased away for you, I didn't know I was just hiding from them and you were my hideout. I was so full of rage because I wasn't yours. I blamed you for it. I was disapointed when you didn't follow through. I couldn't understand that we just had different coping mecanisms. I was selfish, it took me years to realise how unfair I've been to you or to myself.
As time passed, I was becoming worse, I was becoming more empty, the void I was trying to fill, kept getting larger until it swallowed me and I didn't know where to go back to.

It takes two people to build a relationship, it also takes two people for it to go wrong. You always took the blame for all the defects in our relationship even when a big part of it, as I realize now was mine. You were so aplogetic all the time, it was so apologetic, so pathetic, the love that we had. It was like our fragile baby that we could never keep on two feet.
Thinking about it now, there's a lot I wish I could've done better. My presence in your life could've been a lot more graceful. But I don't regret anything, I did the best that I could, the only way I knew how, even when it wasn't necessarily right.

Loving you, letting go of you were both the hardest things that I've ever had to do. You were the major turning point in my life, Sebastian, and I know I was yours, despite all that went wrong in our stars.
I hope that someday we both learn to forgive each other for all the harm that we caused, learn to love right and to live right with a light heart.

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